New Exciting News

Okay y'all, I just wanted to share before we run off for church some exciting news!  Yesterday we went to Costco to stock our pantry and while we were there I found some capri's at Costco (if you don't know Costco has the best prices on Levi, CK, and other brands) they were a size 12 and they were my work toward pants.  Low and behold this morning I tried them on while I was getting ready for church and they fit!!!!!!  I haven't worn a size 12 since high school, so this is exciting!!!!!!!  Well off to finish getting ready for church!

Hello Saturday!

Today was a quite a day.  We as in the whole family today woke up at 7 am and headed to Weight Watchers, and I would like to say the scale was my friend today!!  I lost 2.2 pounds this week for a grand total of 56.8!!!  After my successful weigh in we headed out to breakfast and ended up going to IHOP, we researched the points plus values before leaving for Weight Watchers this morning and settled on a Turkey Bacon Omelet and fresh fruit, for a points plus value of 11 points.  We then headed to Faith's ballet class and for whatever reason it seemed to be canceled so they re-scheduled it for Tuesday.  We proceeded to head home for lunch and then went out for a bike ride, we went to the Salado Creek Trail and road for probably an hour and a half.  Today was overcast and humid, I never thought about getting sun burnt for one minute, but boy oh boy am I burnt to a crisp!  I can't wait for this sunburn to clear up and I will say I will be wearing sunscreen from here on out!

I am now enjoying a glass of red wine and Sweet Home Alabama, all I can say is life is good!

Conflicted

Lately I have felt conflicted...I wonder if I will ever be as satisfied as I feel when I am in California?  Will I ever not feel all alone when surround by a million people?  Will the void in my heart ever be filled now that Zechariah is gone?  Will I ever be able to answer someone who asks me how many kids I have without stammering or feeling sick to my stomach?  Will my husband and I find a way to find peace separately but also together?  The truth is I am not sure.  I don't know the answers, but right now I know my heart feels so sad.  I kind of feel like I am all alone, like I don't fit in.  I feel like damaged goods.  I guess that is what death and heart ache do to you...leave you lonely.

I guess apart of this journey is to continue to find myself.  Find where I belong, find what drives me, find a place where I feel wholly excepted.  I have not felt truly and utterly excepted since I left my home in Manteca, CA.  The comfort of Audra who is my best friend but more like a sister, and my dear sister Tam.  I miss them dearly, two of the only people who I know I can pour my hurt and broken heart out too and never worry about judgement or ridicule, but know a kind and tender word is there waiting for me.  I guess part of my process is to find out who I am outside of them.  Life has changed for me, and I need to re-discover who I am, what my new dreams are, and how I am going to take my tragic loss and turn it into some rock star story of God's healing and the journey.

Life has changed in the 7 months 3 weeks and 2 days since my Zechariah went to heaven...but I still have to believe God is good.  I have to believe that there is amazing plan that God has for healing and a new path that He has in store for me.  I have to believe in me and believe that I am worthy of a life full of joy and happiness.  So here's to today, tomorrow, next week, next month and the following years to come on this long, long journey, because I am worth it!

Really...Who does that???

Yesterday was like every other Tuesday, I woke up at 5:15 am and went to my spin class and headed home to start dinner in the crock pot.  Yesterday I was unusually tired so I had a bit of a lazy day.  Last night I ran to Wal-Mart to return a movie we rented and to get Derek some more Weight Watchers ice cream.  On my way home I was completely oblivious to the fact that one of the soldiers in Derek's unit spotted me and he was with his baby's mama who is also a soldier.  They proceeded to follow me home, little did I know they were following me home to show off their new baby.  Really?  You are gonna follow home a mother who lost her child nearly 8 months ago and show off your newborn???  I went in the house and hid  until they left and left Derek to deal with them.  I know it was probably wasn't the nicest or politest way to deal with that, but my heart just couldn't take it and I didn't want them to be victims of my word vomit because who knows what would come out of my mouth at this point.  I know it has been nearly 8 months and I'm dealing with each day a little better, but the kicker is, this girl didn't even want her baby, she never intended to get pregnant.  I wanted my son, he was planned and longed for, I feel sick that a woman who didn't want their child is beaming and bragging, and yet I who wanted my son very much and fought for him as every mother should, and I am left to pick up the pieces of my life.  I guess I should say common sense isn't all that common, if they had any common sense they would not have followed me home.

Good news I didn't eat my feelings last night, I processed the reasons I was angry and today I am moving on.  Today God is still good and I get to start afresh and ask Jesus to guide my day today. 

On a happier note this week I lost 0.2 pounds and I have lost a grand total of 54.6 pounds.  I know I am not on some weight loss show and I don't have a personal trainer to help me lose weight left and right, but slow and steady wins the race.  I am eating real food, finding new ways to manage my stress and getting excited about what the future holds for me!!!

Family Day

This weekend has been a busy but very fulfilling day.  Saturday morning I woke up and took Miss Faith with me to my Weight Watchers meeting.  I have to say the scale was my friend again today, after last weeks disappointing gain, I am happy to say I lost 1.4 this week and I have lost a total of 54.4 pounds!!!  Can you say Wahooooo!!!  This weeks topic has been about celebrating your success' and I have had to a few this week!  I made it to 2 spin class this week and began fitting exercise back into my routine, I have rode my new bike which I love, it was an anniversary present from Derek and I have also worked out at home.  I have also just felt altogether better this week.

After Weight Watchers we headed out for Faith's ballet class which she enjoys a ton.  Then came home for lunch and nap time.  While Faith rested in her room, Derek went to the garage and assembled Faith's bike trailer, the trailer was a present from Derek's parents for his birthday.  We rode our bikes to the park on the main post and then biked to the store and we all got ice cream.  We then biked home and we BBQ'd for dinner.  We were going to take Faith to a movie on Saturday evening but with her early morning and our running around all day, she was exhausted and begged for bed. 

This weekend  was fabulous, I love that we are finding more ways to incorporate exercise into our lives in things that are fun and enjoyable for the whole family!

Catching Up Mentally

Since I have lost weight recently I have been able to enjoy shopping for new smaller clothes as well as different styles of clothes.  I realize that my body has changed and is changing as I keep working at losing this weight and getting more fit, physically, spiritually, and mentally.  However, one thing hasn't changed, my mind set.  I look in the mirror and realize that my face, and neck have changed, gotten slimmer, but I still see that overweight un-happy girl (even though I am starting to heal and am primarily happy).  Each day, I have remind myself, I am not the same girl I was 7 months ago and I have made progress and I need to continue to celebrate those exciting times!  I thought I would share some pictures of Derek's and my night out for his birthday thanks to our friends Ange and Jason.  I look at these and I realize I have made progress, I am getting slimmer, but more importantly taking the time to get healthy and take care of myself.

Altogether we had a great time, enjoyed dinner and a movie and I was able to make healthy choices for myself.  Each day is about making great well rounded choices for myself, whether it be mentally, physically, or food wise, if I want great things,  I need to continue to show up for life and take hold of my destiny and what God has for me!

Driven

Today the alarm went off at 5:15 AM and I actually answered the call, I woke up and got dressed and headed to the gym for the 6 AM spin class.  I actually liked having a reason for getting up early and facing the day, and the benefit to that is my workout is done for the day! 

Today is Derek's birthday so we will be celebrating his big 2-9, the last year that he will be in his 20's.  I will cheerfully be reminding him for the whole year that he is pushing 30 (in all fairness he did the same thing to me)!  Tonight we are heading out to dinner and surprisingly he chose Applebee's, in my head I was screaming "yes" because I can count the points plus values at Applebee's pretty easily!  I do want to tell you about my amazing non scale victory, last night I made Derek and his co-workers cupcakes with homemade buttercream frosting for Derek to take to work today, I did not have a single one, I avoided the 12 points plus goodness, my weigh in is in 2 days, and I will stay strong, because, I am driven.

5 AM Yay right!

5 AM came and went this morning and this girl had a date with her bed.  After a restless night of sleep I decided to forgo my 5AM wake up call to exercise and catch what little bit of shut eye I could get in.  I did however wake up at 7:45 AM, and after breakfast, my morning devotionals, and a cup of coffee I convinced myself to get moving, by 9, I had Faith settled upstairs in my room where she stayed pretty patiently watching Veggie Tales until I was almost done with cardio and was finishing up my ab work and then she couldn't wait another minute she needed a snack and some Mommy time!  I was able to sneak in a shower and before I knew it is was nearly lunch time.  Tomorrow I have physical therapy for my knee and in the evening I am going to a spin class at the gym, hopefully the instructor doesn't kill me!  Wish me luck, I am wanting to keep losing those pounds, but I also want to tone up and shed some inches before we go to visit our families in California before moving on to Washington!  I am making progress and hopefully will be on my way there in no time!

5 AM Workouts Starting Tomorrow!

So I am letting all my friends out there know that I need more accountability when it comes to my excercise routine.  So tomorrow I am dragging my hiney out of bed and getting it  moving at 5 AM, why 5 AM you ask?  Because if I work out later in the morning I have to take care of my dear little Faithie girl and then getting in the shower, almost impossible unless I put her in her room (which I did find her climbing the baby gate last week, which nearly gave me a heart attack!), and then if I don't exercise early I don't get my devotional time in and it kind of makes the rest of my day just thrown off.

So there it is blogging world, tomorrow, 5 AM, dear Jesus, help me!  Feel free to ask me if I worked out!

The Scale Was Not My Friend Today

So today I woke up at what seemed like way to early this morning and headed to my Weight Watcher meeting.  I thought for sure I would have lost at least 1 pound but that simply wasn't the case.  I was really disappointed and kinda felt bad for myself for just a minute.  I reflected on the week and realized I had changed somethings up this week.  I added strength training and I moved more this week.  I had taken a break from exercising because I injured my knee and am starting my physical therapy on my knee this week.  It seems that anytime I take a break from exercising I loss a bit faster than when I am exercising but then when I go back to exercising I either gain or maintain for a few weeks.  At least I can acknowledge these things.  It does stink but life is a journey and so is weight loss.  On a positive note I did not eat my feelings about my lack of weight loss this week, usually that is my go to way of dealing with my feelings...eating, lots of eating.  Instead, I found a beautiful nature park about 30 miles from San Antonio and we spent the afternoon exploring the trails and enjoying the scenery. 

Faith and I at Cibolo Nature Trails (before I lost 53 pounds I would have had a really hard time squatting by that river and then getting up, not a problem any longer!)

So this week I forge on and do the best I can to keep myself motivated and hope that the scale will be my friend once again next Saturday.  So I will still remind myself that I have lost 53 pounds and counting. This is not the end, not the beginning, but the middle of this weight loss journey and the road that leads to success is a bumpy one; this girl is taking back her life and along for the long journey!

Manna

You know when you wake up and all you want to do is sleep, those days when all you want to do is roll over and hit the snooze button eight hundred times.  Today was one of those days.  However, I did not give into the voice inside my head that kept saying sleep the day away, I got up and started my morning routine with Miss Faith.  The amazing thing is, it is those mornings where Jesus meets you just where you are at.  I have been reading this devotional on grief.  It was written by a woman who had lost a daughter, it is a year long devotional based on finding hope in the midst of pain.  Today I decided to read the story behind the book, come to find out the author lost not only 1 child but 2, mind blowing, how can someone survive that, I wondered if life would ever be functional again with my heart left in shambles after the death of my Zechariah, but to lose 2 children, I can't even fathom.    Two things profound stuck out to me this morning.  The author was speaking of her deep pain to her sister-in-law who had lost her previous husband to a car accident only 2 weeks after marrying, she asked her sister-in-law how you do it, get past the pain, and her response was simply,  "Manna."  In Exodus we read about how God provided enough Manna for each day to sustain the Israelites while the wandered in the wilderness, and just as God provided Manna for the Israelites he will provide for me each day and sustain me.  The second thing was that was just what I needed today was verse that was the topic of today's devotional.  Lamentations 3: 13, 19-22:

He shot his arrow deep into my heart.  The thoughts of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words.  I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.  Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends!  By his Mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.

Yet I still dare to hope, that describes where I am now, I still dare to hope each day, God kept me from destruction, he has a plan and a path for me, and I will have hope because His unfailing love never ends.  I have also said day after day that my Jesus is still the same even if my heart hurts beyond measure.  In all honesty I was probably convincing myself of that until I believed it wholeheartedly, which it does now ring true in my heart of hearts.   So today, I reach for the Manna that will sustain me and even though I grieve my loss, I dare to hope!

Finding Peace and Moving On

Today was a bittersweet day.  It has been 7 months since my dear Zechariah went to be with Jesus.  Today also marks the 2 year anniversary of my best friend Audra's (who is more like a sister than a friend) sister Kathy going to be with Jesus.  So, today has been a day that in the past that I would have eaten my feelings instead of feeling them.  Instead I kept myself productive, washed the laundry, tidied the house, played with Faith outside, just flat out kept myself busy.  Over the weekend I re-decorated Zechariah's room.  It is now pretty and welcoming room, rather than a little boys room that once adorned animals all over the walls.  I also stored away the clothes we decided to keep the blankets and the few trinkets that really touched our hearts. Below is our spare room.  I can't wait for visitors to come and join us in our home.

These floral pictures inspired the rest of the room

The comfy bed that I hope makes visitors feel welcome

Faith posing in the spare room

Life's a long journey and this girl is taking her life back, her health back, and putting her plans at the foot of the cross.  One day at a time, that is all it takes.