Right now I am so lonely...I miss California. I am going through some really hard things right now and I feel so alone. I know I have support from my friends and family, but life is just getting to me. I feel as if I have to hold it all together for my family. I have support back home in California, but here is Washington, I only have one true friend I could call up and she would be here in a heartbeat, and of course she is on vacation. I have made some friends from a ladies fellowship group I am in from church. However, I feel like the odd ball out, all the other ladies in the group are in ministry with their husbands, they can relate to one another. They're having babies, and while I am happy for them my heart hurts. A few comments have been made to me along the lines of, "well be grateful you have a girl, boys are so messy." Or my personal favorite, "just wait until you have a boy." With each comment my heart breaks a little more. I feel like, who can relate to a 30 year old who has been married for almost 5 years and has had 2 children, a girl and a boy, one of which has passed away. My whole identity has changed. Truly my whole life. It is weird, I am not in ministry, I am not a typical Army wife, I am not a typical mother, and I just don't know where I fit in anymore...If I could pin point it I would say it is 2 different feelings, one being the feeling of being unloved and unappreciated. I know that I am not either of those things, but sometimes it is just nice to hear it once and awhile, you know. The other being that of trying to fit in the world again after such sadness and defeat the last year and a half.
Okay, enough whining, I am going to count my blessings. First, I have wonderful friends and family back home and even though we go through periods of not talking because of busy schedules and life getting in the way I know I can pick up the phone and call and they would listen and care for me. I have a wonderful friend Audra, she is more like family than a friend. I am so blessed by her, she blessed me and came to Washington to help me after I had my surgery. She left her 4 children, husband, and life that she has in California to come and take care of me. She has truly taught me what a servants heart is and I pray someday I can be as much of a blessing to her as she has been to me. Secondly, moving often has given me the opportunity to met wonderful people, I am so blessed to have my friend Chelsea, I don't think she knows this but I treasure her. She is a wonderfully prayerful friend and her cards that pop up in my mailbox all the way from Germany always encourage me just when I need it. Last but not least, I have a wonderful daughter and husband. Derek and I have been through hell and back these last 2 years. It is truly by God's grace that we are still married, at times I felt like our relationship was just falling apart at the seams. I praise God that we are still married, there is an 80% divorce rate among married couples who lose children. Our marriage is not perfect but worth fighting for and I want to get back to the place were we can remember the reasons we fell in love instead of just surviving each day and suffering separately as we deal with our sadness of losing our dear Zechariah. My dear wonderful Faith, I am so blessed to call her my daughter. She is so full of life and I know that someday she is going to set this world on fire. She brings me such joy, and I am so touched by her kind heart and loving spirit.
Be blessed my friends...This is my truth, this is where I am at. I hope this year we can all be more open to living our truth unashamedly.
Cheers, Tab
