Lately I have felt conflicted...I wonder if I will ever be as satisfied as I feel when I am in California? Will I ever not feel all alone when surround by a million people? Will the void in my heart ever be filled now that Zechariah is gone? Will I ever be able to answer someone who asks me how many kids I have without stammering or feeling sick to my stomach? Will my husband and I find a way to find peace separately but also together? The truth is I am not sure. I don't know the answers, but right now I know my heart feels so sad. I kind of feel like I am all alone, like I don't fit in. I feel like damaged goods. I guess that is what death and heart ache do to you...leave you lonely.
I guess apart of this journey is to continue to find myself. Find where I belong, find what drives me, find a place where I feel wholly excepted. I have not felt truly and utterly excepted since I left my home in Manteca, CA. The comfort of Audra who is my best friend but more like a sister, and my dear sister Tam. I miss them dearly, two of the only people who I know I can pour my hurt and broken heart out too and never worry about judgement or ridicule, but know a kind and tender word is there waiting for me. I guess part of my process is to find out who I am outside of them. Life has changed for me, and I need to re-discover who I am, what my new dreams are, and how I am going to take my tragic loss and turn it into some rock star story of God's healing and the journey.
Life has changed in the 7 months 3 weeks and 2 days since my Zechariah went to heaven...but I still have to believe God is good. I have to believe that there is amazing plan that God has for healing and a new path that He has in store for me. I have to believe in me and believe that I am worthy of a life full of joy and happiness. So here's to today, tomorrow, next week, next month and the following years to come on this long, long journey, because I am worth it!