Motivated, Not So Much

Motivation.  I haven't had much motivation lately.  It is funny how somethings are so important and we as humans have so much motivation, but when it comes to the every day things we just push them aside.  Somehow I have found the motivation to stick to my Weight Watchers plan and continue to get my exercise in, but when it comes to my house and the everyday things, motivation is a hard thing to find.  So today I have approached life with a new sense of motivation, I have cleaned, washed, folded, AND put away the laundry, now if I can just keep this motivation up maybe I will find my groove again.

Beyond Frustration

I am feeling beyond frustrated today.  I keep trying to see the bright side of things but it sure is hard.  I know grieving is different for everyone, but I feel so alone, stranded, and like I am left in the ocean to drown.  I just feel hurt.  I know as an Army wife you suck it up and roll with the punches, but I am sick of sucking it up, for once I just want my needs, my emotional well being to come before the needs of the Army.  Some days, you grasp for hope in the smallest things, my hope today comes from knowing, I will see my family in Cali very soon, I need them, I miss them.

The Journey

I have been thinking about the journey lately.  Pondering where is the journey going to take me next?  Where do I go from here?  I guess that is normal it being the beginning of the new year and with everyone making New Years resolutions, but my reasons are different.  2010 was the best and worst year of my families life.  Derek (my husband) and I were blessed with the sweetest little boy.  Our son Zechariah was born on December 14, 2010, he was born with a very rare congenital heart disease and ultimately went home to be with Jesus on August 1, 2010.  My family went home to California and we spent time healing or so we told everyone.  What we really did was spend time avoiding the inevitable...real life, real feelings, finding ways to move on.

So since September 2, 2010 (the day we returned from California) I have been left to figure out where do I go from here?  What next?  How do you move on?  Recently, I have been pondering an old Psalm, that I really clung to all through my early 20's.  Psalm 121:

I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and creator of earth.  He will not let your foot slip.  He who watches over you will not slumber;  Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand; The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from all harm - He will watch over your life; The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

The verse that has struck me even just now is, "He will watch over your life."  Can you imagine, Jesus watching over your life, it is mind blowing, how He knows our comings and goings! I can't fathom a kind a love that could love the messy, horrible most painful parts of my life.  John McMillan says it best, he talks about how that in our anger in our resentment and in our frustration that Jesus could love us through that, and Jesus isn't surprised or offended by my anger at God. 

Ever since Zechariah has gone to be with my Jesus, I have wondered where does this leave me?  I guess that leaves me right where I began.  My Jesus was so good before Zechariah was born and He is still good now.  Does that mean I don't hurt?  Nope sure doesn't.  Does that mean life is always perfect?  Nope life sure isn't?  Does that mean that I live life a little differently now?  Yep it sure does.  But, through all of this the glass is still half full.  I have a wonderful daughter with an amazing amount of joy, and a husband that truly cares for me and my well being.  When I sit back and look at my life, I always remind myself, there is always someone else who has it worse than me.  Take a look around today and see if your glass if half full or full, mine is full, very full.