The last few weeks have been so very hard for me. I have struggled for 2 weeks with my emotions and choosing to eat my feelings. I feel frustrated with myself when I allow myself to go down that path because I have worked so hard and that is certainly not a way to honor my dear Zechariah. I have a choice with my health, but I been so torn with my life lately I haven't cared. Don't get me wrong I haven't let myself stray too much, but enough to make me want to kick myself. Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time. Faith and I were in the car, we were on the way to the store to exchange her shoes before our gym time. Out of the blue Faith says, "Mommy I want Zechariah to have a dinosaur party like the dinosaur from Toy Story." We continued to talk and we both agreed that we miss Zechariah, I went on to tell her that she was such a good big sister. We sat quietly for a moment and before I knew it a song came on the radio that took me back in an instant to Zechariah's memorial service and as I was drove down the highway I turned up the radio and quietly sobbed to myself. I cried for Faith, for Derek, for myself, and for a life that was and will never be.
I have really struggled with putting my life back together. I naively thought that when we moved here that this would be our new beginning and it was going to be all sunshine and roses. It sure hasn't. I have struggled with making new friends in Washington. I have found myself wanting to isolate myself to the Army base and just do my weekly everyday things, take Faith to school, swimming, ballet, gym repeat. I have struggled making friends at church, which is unusual for me since I usually make friends quite easily. I have struggled with my faith. I just don't understand sometimes why God's words says that His plans are not to harm us but to bring us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), but for my family our lives have been left in shambles and I don't see the pieces getting put back together anytime soon.
I feel broken and somewhat defeated. However, I am choosing to believe that life has more for me. I am choosing to know that this is just a season and just like after a hard winter comes spring and with spring things begin to flourish again. I am believing for a life that FLOURISHES again.