It has taken awhile for God to really strip the layers of my onion back to reveal my true feelings about Zechariah's death. It has truly been a heart wrenching season. I have really realized though that I have been doing everything in my strength. I have been running from God. I basically have been acting like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. We have been in a stand off. What I should really say is I have been in a stand off. I have felt so much hurt, disappointment, anger, resentment, and bitterness. I have let it rule my thought life, spiritual life, physical life, basically everything. I have let stress affect my life so much that physically my body has taken a beating.
The last few weeks have been eye opening for me. God has really spoken to me through his word for the first time in a long time. The first scripture that really spoke to me from last nights reading.
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
I have not come to God recently for rest. I have not given Him my burdens. I have not taken on His yoke and learned from Him. Nope I have not done any of those things. I have held onto my hurt, my resentment, and especially my anger. The second verse that really spoke to me this morning went along with what I had been thinking on all weekend.
"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. Matthew 12:33-35
Saturday we went to Mount St Helens. As you drive up to the farthest point in which you can drive we began to find snow still up at the top. I saw dry brushes coming up out of the snow but I also saw new growth. This has been the driest most difficult "winter" season of my life. However, I have been reminded that after dark depressing rough winters spring always comes. I have been thinking on my "fruit" and what the out pouring of my heart has been speaking. My heart has certainly not been speaking well of life as of lately. I want to bring out good things that are stored in me not evil. So where do I go from here? For now, I dig back into God's word and I wait. I begin claiming God's promises over my life again each and everyday. I believe that God has his best in store for me! I wait anticipating a new season to come. I am waiting for life to flourish again! I chose rest, peace, joy, and surrender, all these things after all are choices.