In 6 short days it will be have been 2 years since our sweet Zechariah passed away. In the last few weeks I have been trying to focus on how far I have come in the last 2 years. It has been painful. God has allowed so many aspects of my life to be stripped away so I can learn to be truly dependent on Him. I have had to rely on God in so many aspects of my life especially in the last 2 years but one aspect I am truly proud of is the journey to health I have walked through. In the last 2 years I have lost 92 pounds (somewhere between 92-95, depending on the week). It has been a hard. Weight loss is hard. Learning to cope without a vice is hard. Learning how to stop emotionally eating has been the hardest lesson for me. I love to eat. I love to eat when I am happy, sad, mad, angry, you name it I love food for all reasons. I am truly recovering from a food addiction. I have had to realize that I need to start facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face. Zechariah has been the driving force for this huge change in my life. I remember sitting on airplane heading back to my home in Texas after Zech's funeral thinking life is going to be different. I am going to be different. It was then I realized that Zechariah didn't have a choice about his heart, his health or his life, BUT I DO, I HAVE A CHOICE! So I chose my health. I took my life back. I got so many rewards in the process; I got my health back, I was able to have skin removal surgery, I became confident in who I am as a person, gained confidence in my body and living in my own skin, and I gained fitness. I am now a person who longs for my morning cycling classes, Saturday runs, and a life full of happiness and health!
It has been amazing to watch my body and life change. It is truly amazing to see how your life can change with a lot of hard work, dedication, prayer, and commitment. As the 2 year mark of Zech's death approach's in 6 days, I can rest assured knowing that his life was not lived in vain. His life was a catalyst for change in my life and my families life.
So last Sunday Derek and I went to our first grief share class and there has been a phrase that has been sticking with me all week. This class is made up of a group meeting which also has a video that accompanies it, at one point a lady of the video said that sometimes you have to "lean into grief." I didn't really understand what that meant...until Monday in the middle of a grueling spin class. For my friends who are not avid spinners or you haven't taken a spin class, spin classes are simply indoor aerobic cycling, it is made to simulate hills and flat roads as if you were really riding out side. With that being said when you are in class there is a point when you are sprinting on the bike, or you have so much gear (added weight) that all you can do is put your head down and lean into the handle bars and push down either as fast as you can while you are sprinting if that is what you are doing or just keep pushing the heavy heavy pedals down as if you are climbing a hill. I came to realize while I was "leaning into" my spin bike that grief is the same way, you have to lean into the pedals or the bike and at some point you get to let up on the sprinting or eventually take the gear off and it gets easier. The more you train the easier it gets. The more you "lean into grief" and allow grief to take its course the easier it gets. Chance encounters get easier, birthdays, death dates, and holidays get a little easier. Sometimes we just have to lean into it!
Blessings, Tab
Okay y'all so you know when you have a scab and sometimes the scab comes off and there is no bleeding, just fresh skin underneath, all the while the wound is healing, but if you are to bump or scratch that fresh wound it is like a gaping wound that bleeds and bleeds...that is how my heart feels right now! I feel like I have been on the mend and I have been working through my grief daily. Two weeks ago when I ran into the family from Texas with the child who has the same CHD disease as our Zech it was like ripping off the scab that had started to form over my heart and the skin underneath was fresh but healing...but then today happened. Before I explain it I have to tell you how ironic that Derek and I started our grief share class today. So after church Derek dropped off at the front door so I can run into Old Navy and exchange a shirt that didn't fit well...guess who was there, the family from Texas. I almost had a panic attack right in the middle of Old Navy. Right then and there my wounds was gushing, I took a some cleansing breathes and paid for my items as quickly as possible...I feel like every time I see these people along with some other people from Texas and even from home at times, they look at me like I have the plague, or with sympathy or like I am pathetic. I feel so sad when this happens because I feel like I have dealt with Zechariah's life and death really quite well. I feel like I am a strong woman, with strong faith. I just want people to see grief is not the plague you don't catch it but we will all have to deal with it at some point!
I do have good news to tell you...I fought the urge to drown my sorrows in Cinnabon! I just said no to eating my feelings and my thighs are thanking me! I am facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face!!!
Life is beautiful make sure and tell your loved ones how much you love them because life on this earth is short!
All right friends this girl has good news!! Today I went to Old Navy to buy some smaller lounge pants for when I have my stomach surgery in exactly 44 days from today! There was an amazing deal one pair was on sale for $12.50 and the other pair was $10, but the deal was buy one at full price (even if it is on sale) and get the second for 75% off! So, my pair that was $10 was only $2.50! I know you all may not want to know about my stellar deal, but there was also another amazing NSV (non scale victory) for me, I tried on a pair of size 8 jeans and they FIT! They were a little snug, but not uncomfortable and after my stomach is done it will be fabulous and I will be looking fierce.
Tomorrow is my official weigh in day. I have put in the hard work this week, spin class MWF and meeting my goal that I had placed for myself this week which was to do my arm toning exercises 3 times this week! NSV all around this week!!!! I am hoping the scale will greet me with a 163 and show all the hard work I put in this week! If the scale is 163 which is what it said today (my unofficial weigh in) that would make for 84 pounds lost! Can you believe it I have lost approximately 2 and a half toddlers off my body, or 16 bags of 5 pound potatoes, or roughly 10 gallons of milk!
You can do it friends, you can reach your goals if you set your mind to it! Make a list of things you would like to accomplish and how you will achieve them and start making your dreams come true!!! Life is a beautiful gift and you deserve your best so get to it friends!!!!
Lately I have been struggling. Not only emotionally but weight wise. These last ten pounds have been the hardest to loose. I don't know if it is a mental struggle or if it is just that I am pretty much at the weight I am supposed to be. Yesterday I had a slip up, I totally ate my feelings, but good news is I reigned them in before it got too out of hand and tracked every last point I ate. However, I have been exercising like a maniac, and have indeed seen my body changing, my legs becoming so slim and my arms toning up, but my weight has pretty much been stable anywhere between 165-169. Either way I am calling the general surgeon tomorrow to schedule my follow up and get the balls rolling for my stomach reconstruction. I know I haven't been losing tons as of lately but I have losing inches thanks to my MWF spin instructors.
Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime. Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party. Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be. If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel. I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel. It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas. I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken. I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times. I feel ALONE. However, until yesterday I felt hopeful. Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God. Until yesterday I was on the mend. Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing. The short answer is NO. The long answer is that God is big. He is bigger than my feelings. He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness. He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss. In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.
This video depicts the story of the song How He Loves, by Mark McMillian, and how it came out of a deep pain and the loss of Mark's friend. I listened to this after a friend sent me the link shortly after Zech died, and it was like reading my diary and expressed my feelings like no one else could. This song is bittersweet for me, we sang this song at Zech's funeral, but it also has given hope.
So, today I choose hope. I keep reminding myself that there is always someone who has it worse than I do...but God is bigger than my emotions and pity parties. Life is for the living and worth living to the fullest!
So as y'all know I am on this crazy weight loss journey and along with that journey comes a journey to wellness and wholeness since the death of our wonderful son Zechariah a little over a year ago. Let me tell you friends getting healthy is hard! I love processed food, who doesn't? I mean seriously there isn't much that tastes better than home-made mac and cheese, fried chicken, and oh so yummy fried delicious mozzarella sticks (all these delicious treats are a ridiculous amount of points plus values on Weight Watchers). However, I have learned that everything is okay in moderation, and I have also found a few healthy items that I absolutely love! First new item I love that comes from the freezer section is TGI FRIDAY mozzarella sticks, you can bake them in the oven and they are only 5 points plus values for 2! I have taken a few pictures of my other new finds that I absolutely love for your viewing pleasure!
These are mini bell peppers, they are kinda pricey but worth it they are delicious ($3.99 for a medium size bag, but I am the only one that likes them so that is okay) with baby carrots and 2 tablespoons of Wishbone Light Ranch (1 points plus value). Makes and delicious 1 point plus value snack!
Can we all say yummo!!!! In the last few years Greek yogurt has become all the rage. I have been eating the Fage plain Greek yogurt and doctoring it up with stevia and almond extract and then adding some berries which is delicious...but I found some coupons for these and read on a Weight Watchers blog that these are absolutely delicious so I had to try. Boy, they weren't lying these are yummy, these 3 points plus yogurts have been replacing my serving of Pop Chips at lunch, healthy all natural and filling.
This next new food love is by no means healthy but it is a better alternative to regular mac and cheese. I stood in the aisle at the grocery store with my Point Plus calculator trying to decide which is the best choice and I stumbled along these single serve Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Much lower in fat and a yummy alternative for only 5 points plus value.
There you have it friends, my healthier finds. As a whole I try to skip the processed food lately but sometimes you just have to have some of our unhealthy counterparts! Have a wonderful healthy day friends! Eat well and live well! Cheers, Tab
So most of y'all know that it has been a year since; I lost my son Zechariah, lost myself, been struggling to find myself, struggling to hold myself together for Faith and my husband Derek, all the while living this crazy life as a military wife...BUT on Sept 2, in 2 short days I will have been on this crazy weight loss journey for one year! I decided last year when we got home to Texas after going to California for Zechariah's funeral and some vacation time that it was my time change. It was on September 2, 2010 that I had my ah ha moment. I came to the realization that Zechariah couldn't control the condition of his heart and he couldn't control the fact that he had DiGeorge Syndrome, but I can control my heart, I can control my health so it was up to me to make a change. When we came back to Texas I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting and I have been taking off the weight with WW and exercise of course. I have found that I love spinning, who knew, my body has changed it has become slimmer and my legs and hiney are getting strong and slim, it feels so good to be living again and exercising and watching what I eat! This weight loss journey has helped me take off 81 pounds to date! Amazing what a year and a perspective change can bring!
Along with losing the weight I am about to lose part of myself literally! I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and was referred to a surgeon to evaluate my stomach, the extra skin and the yucky panel I have left from having 2 c-sections and an emergency surgery. I went to the surgeon thinking the surgery wouldn't be approved because it would be considered cosmetic, but no I was APPROVED! So I have about 11 more pounds to lose then I can go for my follow up appointment and get my surgery scheduled. I feel so very blessed. I feel like this surgery is the icing on the cake to all the hard work I put in this year.
My Before, My best friend Audra and I before we both started our weight loss journey's. I am on the right. I was wearing a really tight 18 and an XL or XXL depending on the brand, here I weigh 247.
Me as off last week! 81 pounds lighter! Wearig a size 10 pant and a medium shirt! My weight in this picture is 166!
So friends if you are struggling with your weight, if you are looking to find yourself again. Think about your ah ha moment and get started. Make goals, track your progress, keep moving because moving forward is moving on! My next goals are to lose the last 11 pounds, have my stomach reconstruction done, and get to my goal weight, once I am there I will be applying to work for Weight Watchers International as either a receptionist or leader, I also want to continue with my spin classes and eventually become a certified instructor, who knows where I will go next the whole world has opened up for me!
Seize the day y'all because life is fabulous and worth living, so believe in yourself so you can change yourself! Cheers, Tab
Okay so I have had a hard time blogging lately, keeping up on everything except my house, resting, catching a breather since moving and then Grandma dying and then the sudden trip back to Cali. So, with all that being said I have been averaging 1 workout per week. This week, I decided to make a change, to start getting more workouts in each week, no more excuses! Last night I was reminded of the good ol' Bob Harper quote, "Stand up and finish what you started." I needed to remember that and take it to heart. Truth be told I have been kinda wavering lately. I have been tracking my food and eating pretty healthy but I could be doing better, especially if I am going to slack on exercise. So last night I laced up my Saucony's and ran like it was the easiest thing I have done all week (even though I had to keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other)! I am proud to say that today I forced myself to do my yoga video. Let me tell you all, if you don't want to walk when your done do this workout! Just kidding it is not that bad, but it was definitely hard and I got a good workout in but I am indeed sore from last night and tonight. Note to self keep working out it makes life and workouts way easier!!!! So friends lace up those shoes, go for a run, take a walk, do something today is the perfect day to start!
Today was a quite a day. We as in the whole family today woke up at 7 am and headed to Weight Watchers, and I would like to say the scale was my friend today!! I lost 2.2 pounds this week for a grand total of 56.8!!! After my successful weigh in we headed out to breakfast and ended up going to IHOP, we researched the points plus values before leaving for Weight Watchers this morning and settled on a Turkey Bacon Omelet and fresh fruit, for a points plus value of 11 points. We then headed to Faith's ballet class and for whatever reason it seemed to be canceled so they re-scheduled it for Tuesday. We proceeded to head home for lunch and then went out for a bike ride, we went to the Salado Creek Trail and road for probably an hour and a half. Today was overcast and humid, I never thought about getting sun burnt for one minute, but boy oh boy am I burnt to a crisp! I can't wait for this sunburn to clear up and I will say I will be wearing sunscreen from here on out!
I am now enjoying a glass of red wine and Sweet Home Alabama, all I can say is life is good!
Since I have lost weight recently I have been able to enjoy shopping for new smaller clothes as well as different styles of clothes. I realize that my body has changed and is changing as I keep working at losing this weight and getting more fit, physically, spiritually, and mentally. However, one thing hasn't changed, my mind set. I look in the mirror and realize that my face, and neck have changed, gotten slimmer, but I still see that overweight un-happy girl (even though I am starting to heal and am primarily happy). Each day, I have remind myself, I am not the same girl I was 7 months ago and I have made progress and I need to continue to celebrate those exciting times! I thought I would share some pictures of Derek's and my night out for his birthday thanks to our friends Ange and Jason. I look at these and I realize I have made progress, I am getting slimmer, but more importantly taking the time to get healthy and take care of myself.
Altogether we had a great time, enjoyed dinner and a movie and I was able to make healthy choices for myself. Each day is about making great well rounded choices for myself, whether it be mentally, physically, or food wise, if I want great things, I need to continue to show up for life and take hold of my destiny and what God has for me!
