Sunday, September 25, 2011

Facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face...with cinnabon!

Okay y'all so you know when you have a scab and sometimes the scab comes off and there is no bleeding, just fresh skin underneath, all the while the wound is healing, but if you are to bump or scratch that fresh wound it is like a gaping wound that bleeds and bleeds...that is how my heart feels right now!  I feel like I have been on the mend and I have been working through my grief daily.  Two weeks ago when I ran into the family from Texas with the child who has the same CHD disease as our Zech it was like ripping off the scab that had started to form over my heart and the skin underneath was fresh but healing...but then today happened.  Before I explain it I have to tell you how ironic that Derek and I started our grief share class today.  So after church Derek dropped off at the front door so I can run into Old Navy and exchange a shirt that didn't fit well...guess who was there, the family from Texas.  I almost had a panic attack right in the middle of Old Navy.  Right then and there my wounds was gushing, I took a some cleansing breathes and paid for my items as quickly as possible...I feel like every time I see these people along with some other people from Texas and even from home at times, they look at me like I have the plague, or with sympathy or like I am pathetic.  I feel so sad when this happens because I feel like I have dealt with Zechariah's life and death really quite well.  I feel like I am a strong woman, with strong faith.  I just want people to see grief is not the plague you don't catch it but we will all have to deal with it at some point!

I do have good news to tell you...I fought the urge to drown my sorrows in Cinnabon!  I just said no to eating my feelings and my thighs are thanking me!  I am facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face!!!

Life is beautiful make sure and tell your loved ones how much you love them because life on this earth is short!

Blessings, Tab

Friday, September 23, 2011

Size 8's Yes Please!

All right friends this girl has good news!!  Today I went to Old Navy to buy some smaller lounge pants for when I have my stomach surgery in exactly 44 days from today!  There was an amazing deal one pair was on sale for $12.50 and the other pair was $10, but the deal was buy one at full price (even if it is on sale) and get the second for 75% off!  So, my pair that was $10 was only $2.50!  I know you all may not want to know about my stellar deal, but there was also another amazing NSV (non scale victory) for me, I tried on a pair of size 8 jeans and they FIT!  They were a little snug, but not uncomfortable and after my stomach is done it will be fabulous and I will be looking fierce.

Tomorrow is my official weigh in day.  I have put in the hard work this week, spin class MWF and meeting my goal that I had placed for myself this week which was to do my arm toning exercises 3 times this week!  NSV all around this week!!!!  I am hoping the scale will greet me with a 163 and show all the hard work I put in this week!  If the scale is 163 which is what it said today (my unofficial weigh in) that would make for 84 pounds lost!  Can you believe it I have lost approximately 2 and a half toddlers off my body, or 16 bags of 5 pound potatoes, or roughly 10 gallons of milk!

You can do it friends, you can reach your goals if you set your mind to it!  Make a list of things you would like to accomplish and how you will achieve them and start making your dreams come true!!!  Life is a beautiful gift and you deserve your best so get to it friends!!!!

Cheers, Tab

Sunday, September 18, 2011

People Pleaser, Yes I am Indeed

This last year has been a year of inner self reflection, self growth and time to step aside and look at my life up to August 1, 2010.  It has been a really lonely year to be honest.  I have only one person in my life that knows how I feel besides Derek, and I am pretty sure she can attest to how lonely of a place that life is after the death of our precious children!  People walk on egg shells around you, try to pretend like life never happened, all the while you are just trying to hold the pieces of your together.  Trying to find joy in the little things, for me remembering that my precious Faith deserves my best too! 

I have always been a people pleaser, I think pretty much since I was born.  I have always had a hard time telling no, so even as my life had been falling apart I found myself trying to make everyone around me happy in the midst of all my pain.  While some of this is good, Faith deserves happiness, she went through the tough times with us, some of this stuff could have waited or I have said no!  I guess it is that inner part of me that strives to be perfect; striving to have the perfect house that is always clean and tidy, trying to be the perfect wife, to be a great cook, to just please everyone.  I just want everyone to be happy.  I love making everyone happy.  I love making everyone laugh.  I love throwing parties.  I love hunting for gifts for the people I love just so I can see the joy on their face. I have realized though that has been my down fall, I spent so much of my life making others happy, and dodging my true feelings and letting people walk all over me verbally that I have neglected myself. The fact is that no is perfect, not even ME!  Shocking I know!!!!   I have been stepping back these last 6 months and just been saying no.  No it is not okay to guilt me. No life is not okay, but it will be.  No I am not going to fake that life is full of roses and sunshine anymore, but I will admit life is hard, but there is always a silver lining, and God is always waiting for me to give over control to HIM! 

In my adventure to self discovery and healing I have come to realize it is okay to say no to people.  It is okay to say no to food and stop using it as a means to soothe myself.  It is also okay to tell people who are being hurtful that it is not okay, and let them know I am going to grieve and live in my own way. 

I am now in a place where I can start to say yes again.  Today at church our pastor was speaking on vision and what the next year for our church will look like.  At one point, I swear it was like he was looking at me and said, "As you serve God gets blood flowing to the most hurt places within us."  I am ready to start serving, and volunteering my time and using my gifts and talents.  However, I do realize there is a difference between serving and volunteering my time and going back to the place where all I do is people please.  I am ready to start living life to the fullest again!

Speaking of living my life to the fullest...On November 4, 2011 I get the opportunity to take my life back.  I am getting a medically indicated Panniculectomy Surgery.  This is basically a fancy way of saying that I get to have the excess skin, or as the doctors call it, "panel" or "apron" removed from the bottom part of my stomach.  I am also having a scar revision so I get to have the more extensive Panniculectomy, so I will have a nice flat tummy!  I am so excited to live life, and stop wasting my life away by pleasing others and start caring for myself.  This year has been about losing weight, finding myself, and working towards healing and true happiness.  Life is so worth living, I am glad I have decided to join the living again!  Seize the day friends, life is so good!

Food for thought from Pastor Lance today, "Could you imagine if you believed God was limitless, you would be afraid of NOTHING!"

I am diving in and going to chew of this food for thought!

Cheers, Tab

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Eating My Feelings...

Lately I have been struggling. Not  only emotionally but weight wise.  These last ten pounds have been the hardest to loose.  I don't know if it is a mental struggle or if it is just that I am pretty much at the weight I am supposed to be.  Yesterday I had a slip up, I totally ate my feelings, but good news is I reigned them in before it got too out of hand and tracked every last point I ate.  However, I have been exercising like a maniac, and have indeed seen my body changing, my legs becoming so slim and my arms toning up, but my weight has pretty much been stable anywhere between 165-169.  Either way I am calling the general surgeon tomorrow to schedule my follow up and get the balls rolling for my stomach reconstruction.  I know I haven't been losing tons as of lately but I have losing inches thanks to my MWF spin instructors.

Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime.  Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party.  Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be.  If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel.  I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel.  It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas.  I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken.  I feel betrayed.  I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times.  I feel ALONE.  However, until yesterday I felt hopeful.  Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God.  Until yesterday I was on the mend.  Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing.  The short answer is NO.  The long answer is that God is big.  He is bigger than my feelings.  He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness.  He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss.  In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.

This video depicts the story of the song How He Loves, by Mark McMillian, and how it came out of a deep pain and the loss of Mark's friend.  I listened to this after a friend sent me the link shortly after Zech died, and it was like reading my diary and expressed my feelings like no one else could.  This song is bittersweet for me, we sang this song at Zech's funeral, but it also has given hope. 

So, today I choose hope.  I keep reminding myself that there is always someone who has it worse than I do...but God is bigger than my emotions and pity parties.  Life is for the living and worth living to the fullest!

Cheers, Tab

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Two Steps Forward Five Steps Back...

Today I had one of those days.  One of those days where you have a moment that takes you right back to square one.  Today I took Faith to the Commissary and I ran into someone I knew from Fort Sam Houston, someone who has a child with the same Congenital Heart Disease that Zechariah had...well friends it took me back to August 1, 2010, the day I lost heart raced, my hands started sweating, my face had a fake smile plastered on it, I was on the brink of a panic attack...It took me back to the question that has no good answer.. Why us and not them?  Well the no good answer to that is...Why not us.  It has been what I have feared since hearing that this family would be moving to Fort Lewis.  Just as the Reese family is on the mend we take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps back.  It may have been a rough day but one true thing remains, God is still good, and He is still in control. 

Cheers, Tab

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A few of my new favorite things...

So as y'all know I am on this crazy weight loss journey and along with that journey comes a journey to wellness and wholeness since the death of our wonderful son Zechariah a little over a year ago.  Let me tell you friends getting healthy is hard!  I love processed food, who doesn't?  I mean seriously there isn't much that tastes better than home-made mac and cheese, fried chicken, and oh so yummy fried delicious mozzarella sticks (all these delicious treats are a ridiculous amount of points plus values on Weight Watchers).  However, I have learned that everything is okay in moderation, and I have also found a few healthy items that I absolutely love!  First new item I love that comes from the freezer section is TGI FRIDAY mozzarella sticks, you can bake them in the oven and they are only 5 points plus values for 2!  I have taken a few pictures of my other new finds that I absolutely love for your viewing pleasure!

These are mini bell peppers, they are kinda pricey but worth it they are delicious ($3.99 for a medium size bag, but I am the only one that likes them so that is okay) with baby carrots and 2 tablespoons of Wishbone Light Ranch (1 points plus value).  Makes and delicious 1 point plus value snack!

Can we all say yummo!!!!  In the last few years Greek yogurt has become all the rage.  I have been eating the Fage plain Greek yogurt and doctoring it up with stevia and almond extract and then adding some berries which is delicious...but I found some coupons for these and read on a Weight Watchers blog that these are absolutely delicious so I had to try.  Boy, they weren't lying these are yummy, these 3 points plus yogurts have been replacing my serving of Pop Chips at lunch, healthy all natural and filling.

This next new food love is by no means healthy but it is a better alternative to regular mac and cheese.  I stood in the aisle at the grocery store with my Point Plus calculator trying to decide which is the best choice and I stumbled along these single serve Velveeta Shells and Cheese.  Much lower in fat and a yummy alternative for only 5 points plus value.

There you have it friends, my healthier finds.  As a whole I try to skip the processed food lately but sometimes you just have to have some of our unhealthy counterparts!  Have a wonderful healthy day friends!  Eat well and live well!  Cheers, Tab