tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59034378425951771892024-03-05T09:02:15.206-08:00This Girl, This Life, and One Long JourneyTabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-69135931603719618752013-02-18T15:25:00.001-08:002013-02-18T15:25:27.403-08:00Even If...This has been a weird season. Derek left for Afghanistan the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It was weird not having him and or family here to make the holidays fun and special. However, Faith and I managed to have fun and spent Christmas with a family from church. As I mentioned before we really struggled making friends here in Washington. Derek, Faith and I wistfully made the long trek from Texas to Washington. We imagined all the friends we were going to make. That really didn't happen, at least not right away. <br />
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It was just recently that I sat back thinking about all the ways God has managed to change my life in the last 20 months since we have moved to Tacoma. The weekend we moved to Tacoma we Google'ed (how would we survive without Google, right!) Foursquare churches and Puget Sound Christian Center was the church that popped up over and over. We attended that first weekend and we have been there nearly every weekend since. At a glance looking at my family you would see a family dressed the part of faithful Christians attending church on the weekends with a smile on their faces. However, all the while heading home to their grief and sadness. As Derek and I worked through this grieving process it was as if God had a highlighter and showed us the path. Amazingly enough PSCC was offering a grief share class last year and Derek and I decided it would be a great opportunity for us. We learned, we grieved, and now we are beginning to put piece by piece of our life back together. It is now that I can look back that I see how God had to strip certain areas of lives away (i.e. friends, comfort of home, warm weather) to bring us to a place where we could deal with the matters of our hearts. We needed to be "alone" so as a family we could deal with our grief in a way that aloud us to grow.<br />
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I can say now that I have friends here in Tacoma. I have met amazing people from church, from the running group Derek and I joined, and from the military. I would say I have many acquaintances and a handful of amazingly close friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way. God has placed friends in our path that have been so very compassionate and have helped Derek and I work through this difficult season. The season has been so lonely but not lonely. It doesn't seem that this thought makes any sense but truly it does. What it really comes down to is in our darkest loneliest seasons God truly meets us where we are at...and eventually He sends others to love and support us. It is like the book of Daniel chapter 6 when the king tells Daniel to bow down to him and Daniel refuses, it as if he said to the king, "Even if." Even if you throw me in the lions den and I die, I will praise God. This season has been dark, lonely, and hard but friends life is worth the fight. God longs for us, He never gives up on us. Even if my whole world falls apart I will praise Him. Even if my son dies and I don't understand. Even if I move. Even if I long for the comfort and love of home. Even if I long for friends. Even If.<br />
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The Reese family truly happy. November 18, 2012. Even if life dishes out uncertain deployments. Even If.</div>
<br />Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-71074715548684704802012-08-26T21:15:00.000-07:002012-08-26T21:15:29.498-07:00Wherever Life May Lead MeHi friends, I have been so busy lately. Derek has been on his last vacation before he leaves for Afghanistan. I never thought I would be writing this but here it is...Life has been really amazing lately. There isn't one thing that I can pin point and say has been my turning point. Honestly I think it is a culmination of a whole bunch of things changing. Derek and I have begun to make friends outside of the Army and from our church. I have begun to crack away at my sadness, I don't know if it has been the amazing onset of lots of sunny days this summer or if it is just Jesus or likely both, but it is nice to not feel like you are just surviving from one day to the next day. I realized this summer that I can be the person I am back at home right here in Washington where God has planted me for this season. I used to think I could only be who I am with my friends back home. At one point I longed for home. I longed for my friends, I longed for my life I had back home. Then it hit me, I realized I am worth people's time. I have been so guarded and scared of people the last few years. I have felt like the only people who would understand me are the people who walked with me through those tough and very dark times. God has really placed it on my heart in the last few weeks that vulnerability begets vulnerability. I have finally gotten to the place where I am somewhat okay being vulnerable with others. This is a huge step for me since I am the type of person who prides themselves in having it all together. I think this has made it a little easier for Derek and I to put our walls down and friendships are beginning to bloom! I am so grateful that there is life after death and that dark seasons allow for incredible opportunities for growth. This summer has been such a time of growth and gratitude. I wanted to leave y'all with a list of how incredibly blessed I have been this summer:<br />
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1. Derek and I have made a priority to have a date each Saturday, we have enjoyed spending time together running each week. <br />
2. Faith has been developing such an amazing vocabulary and it is incredible to have actual conversations with her. <br />
3. Faith is my heart. She is loving, kind, stubborn, and oh so wild. She is so my child and she keeps me laughing!<br />
4. I have been able to speak my heart so much this summer and it has been like a healing salve to my soul!<br />
5. Derek and I have joined an amazing life group at church and are beginning to make friendships and are actually starting to put down roots.<br />
6. I am beginning to feel like life is amazing!<br />
7. Derek and I are finding our love again. It was never gone just trampled a bit by life's circumstances.<br />
8. Washington is starting to feel like home for now.<br />
9. This year I will have been able to visit my family and friends back home 4 times.<br />
10. The painful layers are being peeled away and life is becoming happy again!<br />
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Sometimes life requires a perspective change, prayerful insight, and few moments taken to count our blessings. So friends take some time today to reflect, find some insight, and count your blessings, because in the mist of it all life can still be good.Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-67356794351134646012012-07-31T21:01:00.000-07:002012-07-31T21:03:27.694-07:00Strong EnoughTomorrow is the the day that changed our families life forever. The day that Derek and I chose to turn off the life support for our sweet Zechariah. There have been many moments the last few days that I have had the urge to go and sit on the floor of the pantry and eat Oreos. I however have not done that. I have recognized my feelings and moved on. I have not medicated those feelings with food. I want to honor my son and his memory by being healthy, after all, he didn't have a choice in regards to his health, but I have a choice. I have been choosing to live my truth as well as living a life where I am present and to do that it means feeling those painful feelings.<br />
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I truly believe Matthew West song "Strong Enough" describes my last few years.<br />
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<span class="line line-s" id="line_8" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I know I'm not strong enough to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_9" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>everything that I'm supposed to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_10" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I give up</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_11" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I'm not stong enough</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_12" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Hands of mercy won't you cover me</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_13" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Lord right now I'm asking you to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_14" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_15" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_16" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>For the both of us</i></span><i><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_17" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Well, maybe</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_18" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Maybe that's the point</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_19" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>To reach the point of giving up</i></span><i><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_20" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Cause when I'm finally</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_21" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Finally at rock bottom</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_22" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Well, that's when I start looking up</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_23" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>And reaching out</i></span><i><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_24" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I know I'm not strong enough to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_25" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Everything that I'm supposed to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_26" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I give up</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_27" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I'm not stong enough</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_28" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Hands of mercy won't you cover me</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_30" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Lord right now I'm asking you to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_31" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_32" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><i><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_33" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Cause I'm broken</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_34" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Down to nothing</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_35" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>But I'm still holding on to the one thing</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_36" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>You are God</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_37" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>and you are strong</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_38" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>When I am weak</i></span><i><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_39" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I can do all things</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_40" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Through Christ who gives me strength</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_41" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>And I don't have to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_42" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_43" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><i><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; text-align: left;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_44" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>I can do all things</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_45" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Through Christ who gives me strength</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_46" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>And I don't have to be</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_47" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_48" style="border: 0px; display: block; font: inherit; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>Strong enough</i></span><br />
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Good news is God is truly strong enough to meet my needs, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I just need to believe that God has not forgotten me, which I do, but in the midst of the excruciating pain it has been easy to forget. I choose to remember that when the rains and storms come there is always a rainbow at the end of it all.Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-10784001906215309792012-07-26T17:21:00.000-07:002012-07-26T17:55:02.829-07:002 years, 92 pounds, and a New Lease on LifeIn 6 short days it will be have been 2 years since our sweet Zechariah passed away. In the last few weeks I have been trying to focus on how far I have come in the last 2 years. It has been painful. God has allowed so many aspects of my life to be stripped away so I can learn to be truly dependent on Him. I have had to rely on God in so many aspects of my life especially in the last 2 years but one aspect I am truly proud of is the journey to health I have walked through. In the last 2 years I have lost 92 pounds (somewhere between 92-95, depending on the week). It has been a hard. Weight loss is hard. Learning to cope without a vice is hard. Learning how to stop emotionally eating has been the hardest lesson for me. I love to eat. I love to eat when I am happy, sad, mad, angry, you name it I love food for all reasons. I am truly recovering from a food addiction. I have had to realize that I need to start facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face. Zechariah has been the driving force for this huge change in my life. I remember sitting on airplane heading back to my home in Texas after Zech's funeral thinking life is going to be different. I am going to be different. It was then I realized that Zechariah didn't have a choice about his heart, his health or his life, BUT I DO, I HAVE A CHOICE! So I chose my health. I took my life back. I got so many rewards in the process; I got my health back, I was able to have skin removal surgery, I became confident in who I am as a person, gained confidence in my body and living in my own skin, and I gained fitness. I am now a person who longs for my morning cycling classes, Saturday runs, and a life full of happiness and health!<br />
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It has been amazing to watch my body and life change. It is truly amazing to see how your life can change with a lot of hard work, dedication, prayer, and commitment. As the 2 year mark of Zech's death approach's in 6 days, I can rest assured knowing that his life was not lived in vain. His life was a catalyst for change in my life and my families life.</div>
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<br /></div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-46729576287299278842012-07-25T16:06:00.000-07:002012-07-25T16:06:50.079-07:00Running To Remember<div style="text-align: justify;">
16 weeks, that is the approximate amount of weeks that this family has until Derek goes to Afghanistan. Derek and I don't spend much time alone together because we don't have family in Washington, we have many acquaintances but very few friends here so we definitely lack in the babysitting department. Derek and I had been have been talking a lot recently about spending more time together and have realized that over the course of our marriage we have had so little help that we have neglected our marriage. It wasn't something that happened purposely, I think it is something that happened out of life's circumstances and to some extent it is the price we pay for moving often with the military. In an attempt to have more one on one time together Derek and I have trying to find new ways to spend time alone together. Last month Derek and I did the Joint Base Lewis-McChord Down and Dirty Mud Run Series. It was so fun! There is nothing like running with your best friend and acting like real life G.I Joe's (I guess I should say I get to act like a G.I Joe, Derek is a real life G.I Joe)! </div>
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Mud Run! Derek and I holding our participant coins!</div>
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Derek and I enjoy running together, and our love for the outdoors, as well as running and hiking is something that we have always had in common. So, in my effort to spend more time with my hubby I planned a date for us each and every Saturday. I signed Faith up for hourly daycare for 2 hours each Saturday and Derek and I joined a running group. We joined a group in DuPont, Washington called Wear Blue:Run to Remember. The group was founded by Lisa Hallett. In 2009 Lisa lost her husband in Afghanistan. In an effort to survive her loss she turned to running. She found that there was a need among the military community, a need for support and a way to deal with grief and way to move on. So each Saturday Run to Remember gathers at a park in DuPont and the names of the fallen soldiers for that week are read off, a prayer is said, and a sea of blue shirts run through the streets of DuPont. Each Saturday Run to Remember runners run with the purpose of remembering the fallen, the fighting and the families. (Run to Remember is actually spreading nationwide and chapters are popping up all over the United States.)</div>
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Wearing Blue, Running to Remember!</div>
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Last Saturday as Derek and I ran through the beautiful town of DuPont, Washington, I thought about the fallen, those I know who are in Afghanistan fighting right now, and I thought about my family. Because the fact of the matter is, as a military family, it could be me. It could be me answering the door to 2 soldiers standing there on my doorstep to deliver unthinkable news. So, it is my honor to lace up my shoes, put on my blue shirt and to run each and every Saturday. It is my honor to remember.</div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-43442575709241168212012-07-17T10:40:00.000-07:002012-07-17T10:49:47.132-07:00Transitioning and Finding BalanceHi friends, it has been a while since I have blogged. Life has been in such a transition these last nearly 2 years. We have lived in Washington for a year now and I would love to say we have adjusted and life is wonderful, however, that isn't the case. My family is in such a weird place and it was only until recently after having a conversation with my in-laws that I realize what it is that has been so hard for us. I was having a heart to heart with my mother and father in-law and I was able to share my heart. They aren't Christians so they don't understand our life from that regard however, I was able to tell them how lonely we are. My mother in-law understood where I was coming from but my father in-law didn't quite get it. I think the issue for us has been there is really no one that understands what we are going through, not even our families. We have been so lonely, in the last nearly 2 years since Zech's death. We have walked this life after Zech's death pretty much alone. Very rarely has our family or friends called to check on us. I have one friend from California that has called regularly but other than that we have lived a life that has been falling apart piece by precious piece. Putting together the pieces of our life back together has been the hardest thing we have ever done, especially alone. We are a military family, we lost a child, Derek is going to Afghanistan, and moving away from Texas and all the people that walked through Zech's death with us has been heartbreaking. Since moving people have often said they know someone who is a military family and the husband is deployed, or they know someone who has lost a child. I can appreciate those people and them wanting to be kind but the truth is my life is compounded by the military, the loss of a child, and truly not having any friends here in Washington. I have a lot of acquaintances but I have not made any friends here, no one to have coffee with, hang out with, shop with, go to a movie with. I don't say this to make you feel sorry for me, it is just a lonely place. This place in life is lonely. I have realized lately especially with the day of Zechariah's death approaching that I have been stress eating and my weight has been going up and down. Don't get me wrong it has only been 5 pounds or so and I am still hitting the gym but I have been dealing with my feelings with food. As those feelings of Zech's death begin to suffocate me, the memories begin to crush me, the thoughts and flashbacks of holding him as he took his last breaths, the feelings of how we chose to turn the life support off, the thoughts of what would happen if something happened to Faith, those thoughts have had me running to the fridge or snack cabinet. I have to chose better for my life rather than being swallowed by sadness and sorrow. I have to chose health because my little Zech didn't have a choice. I am rather proud though that I can recognize what I am doing...stress eating. So I realize now that this season has been the darkest season. It has tested my faith, broken my heart, and shattered my dreams. However, I am choosing to remember that God is still good, and instead of food, I will pray, exercise and reach out more. Life will get better, and God has not forgotten me, even though at times it has felt like He has. Hug your children a little tighter friends, because life is so precious.Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-75617556903733721952012-04-23T11:23:00.000-07:002012-04-23T21:28:43.139-07:00Spring RefreshingSo dear friends, I am back. I have been going through the hardest season of my entire life thus far. My crazy way of dealing with hard things is to keep to myself. Kinda the whole, "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all." I didn't have really anything bad to say but more or less a lot of complaining, and nobody wants a Debbie Downer in the bunch.<br />
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It has taken awhile for God to really strip the layers of my onion back to reveal my true feelings about Zechariah's death. It has truly been a heart wrenching season. I have really realized though that I have been doing everything in my strength. I have been running from God. I basically have been acting like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. We have been in a stand off. What I should really say is I have been in a stand off. I have felt so much hurt, disappointment, anger, resentment, and bitterness. I have let it rule my thought life, spiritual life, physical life, basically everything. I have let stress affect my life so much that physically my body has taken a beating.<br />
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The last few weeks have been eye opening for me. God has really spoken to me through his word for the first time in a long time. The first scripture that really spoke to me from last nights reading.<br />
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"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30</blockquote>
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I have not come to God recently for rest. I have not given Him my burdens. I have not taken on His yoke and learned from Him. Nope I have not done any of those things. I have held onto my hurt, my resentment, and especially my anger. The second verse that really spoke to me this morning went along with what I had been thinking on all weekend.<br />
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"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. A man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. Matthew 12:33-35</blockquote>
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Saturday we went to Mount St Helens. As you drive up to the farthest point in which you can drive we began to find snow still up at the top. I saw dry brushes coming up out of the snow but I also saw new growth. This has been the driest most difficult "winter" season of my life. However, I have been reminded that after dark depressing rough winters spring always comes. I have been thinking on my "fruit" and what the out pouring of my heart has been speaking. My heart has certainly not been speaking well of life as of lately. I want to bring out good things that are stored in me not evil. So where do I go from here? For now, I dig back into God's word and I wait. I begin claiming God's promises over my life again each and everyday. I believe that God has his best in store for me! I wait anticipating a new season to come. I am waiting for life to flourish again! I chose rest, peace, joy, and surrender, all these things after all are choices.Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-57006254971160961722012-04-11T10:54:00.001-07:002012-04-11T10:55:18.562-07:00Wedding, Family, and Fun Oh My!<br />
Hi friends! It has been awhile since I have blogged and boy I need this catch up session. A week and a half ago Derek, Faith and I went to California! It was surprisingly a great time. Derek's sister Jenny got married. It was a beautiful wedding and the whole entire Reese family danced the night away. Our little Faithie was the hit of the wedding. Everyone commented on how well behaved she was (which of course stroked this Mama's ego) and what a joy she was to have around! Derek and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary while we were there! We had the opportunity to go to a fancy restaurant called Zin in Westlake Village. Derek's Uncle Larry was too cute, he taxied us across the lake to the restaurant on his boat and then taxied us back. We had a delicious dinner, complete with calamari, Cesar salad made table side, cocktails, and Bananas Flambe for dessert! As a family we just absolutely enjoyed ourselves. It was so nice to catch up with family, some we haven't seen in 5 years. We hung out played bocce ball, enjoyed the weather, and celebrated our wedding anniversary, and celebrated Jenny and Gilbert's beginning to their marriage!<br />
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Now I am back to my daily grind! Back to the rain and the cold. However, I think a week with a little sun gave me a little boost to change up my perspective a bit, since I have after all been in a bit of a funk! More to come on my perspective change, keep reading! Love y'all!<br />
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<br /></div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-4927993098000321932012-03-13T15:10:00.000-07:002012-03-13T15:10:26.172-07:00FlourishingThe last few weeks have been so very hard for me. I have struggled for 2 weeks with my emotions and choosing to eat my feelings. I feel frustrated with myself when I allow myself to go down that path because I have worked so hard and that is certainly not a way to honor my dear Zechariah. I have a choice with my health, but I been so torn with my life lately I haven't cared. Don't get me wrong I haven't let myself stray too much, but enough to make me want to kick myself. Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time. Faith and I were in the car, we were on the way to the store to exchange her shoes before our gym time. Out of the blue Faith says, "Mommy I want Zechariah to have a dinosaur party like the dinosaur from <i>Toy Story</i>." We continued to talk and we both agreed that we miss Zechariah, I went on to tell her that she was such a good big sister. We sat quietly for a moment and before I knew it a song came on the radio that took me back in an instant to Zechariah's memorial service and as I was drove down the highway I turned up the radio and quietly sobbed to myself. I cried for Faith, for Derek, for myself, and for a life that was and will never be. <br />
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I have really struggled with putting my life back together. I naively thought that when we moved here that this would be our new beginning and it was going to be all sunshine and roses. It sure hasn't. I have struggled with making new friends in Washington. I have found myself wanting to isolate myself to the Army base and just do my weekly everyday things, take Faith to school, swimming, ballet, gym repeat. I have struggled making friends at church, which is unusual for me since I usually make friends quite easily. I have struggled with my faith. I just don't understand sometimes why God's words says that His plans are not to harm us but to bring us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), but for my family our lives have been left in shambles and I don't see the pieces getting put back together anytime soon. <br />
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I feel broken and somewhat defeated. However, I am choosing to believe that life has more for me. I am choosing to know that this is just a season and just like after a hard winter comes spring and with spring things begin to flourish again. I am believing for a life that FLOURISHES again.Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-32353002963472153592012-01-23T15:16:00.000-08:002012-01-23T15:17:08.246-08:00UndoneHave you ever thought, "Where did the last few years go?" That is where I am right now. I don't know where the last 3 years have gone. It seems like it has been so long since we moved to Germany, found out I was pregnant with Zechariah, moved to Texas to fight Zech's Congenital Heart Disease, lost myself in the process, only to find myself a few years later completely changed. If someone would have given me the story of my life up to this point I would have called them a liar. I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined in my lifetime that my family would have lived through the hardest season of our lives; better yet actually survived it! I realized just this week that my life has totally come undone. I have also realized that if my life hadn't come undone, I wouldn't have let Jesus meet me exactly where I (was) am at. I have been thinking on a song called, "Here in Your Presence." I have been really thinking on the chorus:<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;">Here in Your presence, we are undone</span></div>
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Here in Your presence, all things are new</div>
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Here in Your presence, everything bows before You</div>
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Isn't that the truth, in the presence of Jesus we are undone. Thinking about my life up to this point I have either, a) truly come undone in the presence of Jesus, or, b) pushed Jesus away and done everything all myself. I have been thinking on how to move forward this year and let 2012 be better than the last 2 1/2 years. The bridge to this song has been just as thought provoking for me.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;">Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;">Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">What if we believe that Jesus is as good as His word says? What if we believed that he was wonderful, beautiful, glorious, and matchless? If I believed this more often would life be easier? What if I believe that all things are possible with God? What if I believe that there is a joyous passionate life after such heartache? If I believed all these things life would be TRANSFORMED! Today I am going to let my life continue to be TRANSFORMED!</span></div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-91808950863812501872012-01-18T10:31:00.000-08:002012-01-18T19:07:41.880-08:00"Holy Cow!""Holy Cow!" Those were the first words out of my four year old Faith's mouth this morning when her eyes fell upon the snowfall that accumulated overnight. School has been canceled, work has been cancelled (after Derek was required to report), so what do we do? We make cake and eat it too! I guess I should say I made blueberry streusel for my family and they ate it too!<br />
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"Holy Cow!" The blanket of snow we woke up to this morning!</div>
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Blueberry Streusel for my loves!</div>
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Faithie enjoying her blueberry streusel!</div>
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My egg white scramble and apple cinnamon oatmeal. Not as exciting as streusel but still delicious!</div>
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Next up on our agenda, a sweet guilt free treat!</div>
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As I sit here watching the snow continue to fall it makes life feel so peaceful, if just for this very moment. However, I am then reminded that for snow to fall you need a storm. This crazy snow storm has been such a good reminder to me that storms can bring peace, if only we choose peace! Peace is just a prayer away. Today my friends, I choose peace and joy!</div>
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Cheers, Tab</div>
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</div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-34246626902791020722012-01-17T16:16:00.000-08:002012-01-18T18:46:43.493-08:004 Years Ago...4 years ago I gave birth to my sweet daughter Faith. 4 years ago today I traded my title as solely a wife for the titles of wife and mother! As my sweet girl naps I have been sitting back reflecting on how many things have changed in the last 4 years, and how many things I have traded in. <br />
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So, in no particular order, here goes my list...I know most people know how hard life has been for us these last few years. The last few months, I have been daily trading my sorrow for the joy that comes in the morning. I have been trading my role as solely a mother for one of a mother and advocate for my children. I have been trading my grief for a new life with a new meaning. I have traded unhealthy eating habits for healthy eating habits with the help of Weight Watchers. I traded my regular workout shoes for spin shoes. I traded my raggedy gym clothes for nice form fitting ones that I make me feel HOT! However, most recently I have traded my "squishy" stomach (in the words of Faith) in for a flat stomach! <br />
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I decided for the purpose of continuing to live my truth this year that I would be vulnerable and share with you all the fabulous trade I made with my stomach!<br />
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There it is, my "squishy" stomach all marked up for the surgeons! Getting ready to trade my extra skin for a flat tummy!</div>
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Drum roll please.... DA DA DA! Here is my flat tummy! I traded in a few old scares for a few new ones on my new flat tummy!</div>
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Life is all about compromises and trades. We trade one thing for the next, some trades are fabulous and some not so much. However, as I sit here reflecting on my trades and compromises the last 4 years I smile because I wouldn't trade all the love, joy, heartache, and lessons that I have learned these last few years. I don't know what your trades are but just remember friends, with every trade you make God is still good and He is willing to walk along side of you and all the crazy trades that life has to dish out!<br />
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Cheers, TabTabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-88620353807595826072012-01-09T23:09:00.000-08:002012-01-18T18:47:49.237-08:00Feeling LonelyRight now I am so lonely...I miss California. I am going through some really hard things right now and I feel so alone. I know I have support from my friends and family, but life is just getting to me. I feel as if I have to hold it all together for my family. I have support back home in California, but here is Washington, I only have one true friend I could call up and she would be here in a heartbeat, and of course she is on vacation. I have made some friends from a ladies fellowship group I am in from church. However, I feel like the odd ball out, all the other ladies in the group are in ministry with their husbands, they can relate to one another. They're having babies, and while I am happy for them my heart hurts. A few comments have been made to me along the lines of, "well be grateful you have a girl, boys are so messy." Or my personal favorite, "just wait until you have a boy." With each comment my heart breaks a little more. I feel like, who can relate to a 30 year old who has been married for almost 5 years and has had 2 children, a girl and a boy, one of which has passed away. My whole identity has changed. Truly my whole life. It is weird, I am not in ministry, I am not a typical Army wife, I am not a typical mother, and I just don't know where I fit in anymore...If I could pin point it I would say it is 2 different feelings, one being the feeling of being unloved and unappreciated. I know that I am not either of those things, but sometimes it is just nice to hear it once and awhile, you know. The other being that of trying to fit in the world again after such sadness and defeat the last year and a half.<br />
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Okay, enough whining, I am going to count my blessings. First, I have wonderful friends and family back home and even though we go through periods of not talking because of busy schedules and life getting in the way I know I can pick up the phone and call and they would listen and care for me. I have a wonderful friend Audra, she is more like family than a friend. I am so blessed by her, she blessed me and came to Washington to help me after I had my surgery. She left her 4 children, husband, and life that she has in California to come and take care of me. She has truly taught me what a servants heart is and I pray someday I can be as much of a blessing to her as she has been to me. Secondly, moving often has given me the opportunity to met wonderful people, I am so blessed to have my friend Chelsea, I don't think she knows this but I treasure her. She is a wonderfully prayerful friend and her cards that pop up in my mailbox all the way from Germany always encourage me just when I need it. Last but not least, I have a wonderful daughter and husband. Derek and I have been through hell and back these last 2 years. It is truly by God's grace that we are still married, at times I felt like our relationship was just falling apart at the seams. I praise God that we are still married, there is an 80% divorce rate among married couples who lose children. Our marriage is not perfect but worth fighting for and I want to get back to the place were we can remember the reasons we fell in love instead of just surviving each day and suffering separately as we deal with our sadness of losing our dear Zechariah. My dear wonderful Faith, I am so blessed to call her my daughter. She is so full of life and I know that someday she is going to set this world on fire. She brings me such joy, and I am so touched by her kind heart and loving spirit.<br />
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Be blessed my friends...This is my truth, this is where I am at. I hope this year we can all be more open to living our truth unashamedly. <br />
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Cheers, TabTabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-36310684560692995452011-12-21T09:59:00.000-08:002012-01-18T18:48:37.907-08:00Can't We Just Be RealWell friends, it has been a long time since I have blogged. I have had a lot on my plate. Last month I had excess skin removed from my stomach and it is healing quite nicely and I am back to cycling, or should I say back to working on my Carrie Underwood legs and my Michelle Obama arms (a girl can dream can't she).<br />
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December 14 was Zechariah's birthday, my little man would have been 2. With each birthday or milestone that is missed I think about how life has not been what I expected. For just a brief moment I feel sorry for myself, but then I am reminded there is always someone who has it worse than I do. However, it leads me to think about how fake we are as a society. We go through life putting on heirs of perfection. Striving to convince people that we are the perfect mom's, wife's, sisters and daughters. However, there are people like my family just trying to find a new sense of joy again and barley holding it together after losing a child. Do people know that we have been struggling? Probably not too many. Has society made it easy to share our joys, pains, and struggles? Nope sure hasn't been easy.<br />
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So in attempt at being a person who is real and transparent I will share a little bit about myself, maybe it will spur others to be more open and honest. My name is Tabatha, I am a mother, wife, sister and daughter. I am a neat freak which really means I am a control freak. I am not one of those you see at church; meaning I am not a perfect stay home wife and mother who can turn everything into a perfect life lesson with a Bible story and all. Don't get me wrong we talk about the Lord frequently but we also live a real life. I cook healthy but I don't necessarily cook gourmet. I love when Faith goes to preschool and I get 3 hours to myself. I am not one of those mom's that can home school, cook perfect meals each day, and have my husband perfectly happy at all times. I don't craft, crafting is not really my thing, all though I do love other people's crafts. I am also a recovering food addict, that may make some people laugh but you don't get to 247 pounds by controlling what you put in your mouth. I have spent the last year and few months working hard at losing the weight and facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face. Life has been hard the last few years, physically, emotionally, health wise, and it has taken a toll on my marriage. Derek and I are trying to pick up the pieces of our life and figure out how to function after losing our son, and how to deal with loss in our own way, since we both have grieved differently. Life is messy and has been hard but one thing remains God is still good through it all. If God is going to be good to us in the good times then He is still good in the bad times. Maybe if each of us spoke the truth about our live's more often we wouldn't be so lonely, we could rise up and spur one another on, we could truly be as the Bible says, iron sharpening iron.<br />
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So friends be honest today, with yourself, your friends, and your family. It doesn't mean telling the world all your business, it just means take a chance, share your life.<br />
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<br />Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-84920407651891607592011-10-01T21:57:00.000-07:002012-01-18T18:49:40.223-08:00Lessons Learned on a Spin Bike...Leaning Into It<div>
So last Sunday Derek and I went to our first grief share class and there has been a phrase that has been sticking with me all week. This class is made up of a group meeting which also has a video that accompanies it, at one point a lady of the video said that sometimes you have to "lean into grief." I didn't really understand what that meant...until Monday in the middle of a grueling spin class. For my friends who are not avid spinners or you haven't taken a spin class, spin classes are simply indoor aerobic cycling, it is made to simulate hills and flat roads as if you were really riding out side. With that being said when you are in class there is a point when you are sprinting on the bike, or you have so much gear (added weight) that all you can do is put your head down and lean into the handle bars and push down either as fast as you can while you are sprinting if that is what you are doing or just keep pushing the heavy heavy pedals down as if you are climbing a hill. I came to realize while I was "leaning into" my spin bike that grief is the same way, you have to lean into the pedals or the bike and at some point you get to let up on the sprinting or eventually take the gear off and it gets easier. The more you train the easier it gets. The more you "lean into grief" and allow grief to take its course the easier it gets. Chance encounters get easier, birthdays, death dates, and holidays get a little easier. Sometimes we just have to lean into it!<br />
Blessings, Tab</div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-21162248748149079192011-09-25T16:50:00.000-07:002012-01-18T18:50:11.336-08:00Facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face...with cinnabon!Okay y'all so you know when you have a scab and sometimes the scab comes off and there is no bleeding, just fresh skin underneath, all the while the wound is healing, but if you are to bump or scratch that fresh wound it is like a gaping wound that bleeds and bleeds...that is how my heart feels right now! I feel like I have been on the mend and I have been working through my grief daily. Two weeks ago when I ran into the family from Texas with the child who has the same CHD disease as our Zech it was like ripping off the scab that had started to form over my heart and the skin underneath was fresh but healing...but then today happened. Before I explain it I have to tell you how ironic that Derek and I started our grief share class today. So after church Derek dropped off at the front door so I can run into Old Navy and exchange a shirt that didn't fit well...guess who was there, the family from Texas. I almost had a panic attack right in the middle of Old Navy. Right then and there my wounds was gushing, I took a some cleansing breathes and paid for my items as quickly as possible...I feel like every time I see these people along with some other people from Texas and even from home at times, they look at me like I have the plague, or with sympathy or like I am pathetic. I feel so sad when this happens because I feel like I have dealt with Zechariah's life and death really quite well. I feel like I am a strong woman, with strong faith. I just want people to see grief is not the plague you don't catch it but we will all have to deal with it at some point!<br />
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I do have good news to tell you...I fought the urge to drown my sorrows in Cinnabon! I just said no to eating my feelings and my thighs are thanking me! I am facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face!!!<br />
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Life is beautiful make sure and tell your loved ones how much you love them because life on this earth is short!<br />
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Blessings, Tab<br />
<br />Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-66469375352687189882011-09-23T21:14:00.000-07:002012-01-18T18:51:16.859-08:00Size 8's Yes Please!All right friends this girl has good news!! Today I went to Old Navy to buy some smaller lounge pants for when I have my stomach surgery in exactly 44 days from today! There was an amazing deal one pair was on sale for $12.50 and the other pair was $10, but the deal was buy one at full price (even if it is on sale) and get the second for 75% off! So, my pair that was $10 was only $2.50! I know you all may not want to know about my stellar deal, but there was also another amazing NSV (non scale victory) for me, I tried on a pair of size 8 jeans and they FIT! They were a little snug, but not uncomfortable and after my stomach is done it will be fabulous and I will be looking fierce.<br />
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Tomorrow is my official weigh in day. I have put in the hard work this week, spin class MWF and meeting my goal that I had placed for myself this week which was to do my arm toning exercises 3 times this week! NSV all around this week!!!! I am hoping the scale will greet me with a 163 and show all the hard work I put in this week! If the scale is 163 which is what it said today (my unofficial weigh in) that would make for 84 pounds lost! Can you believe it I have lost approximately 2 and a half toddlers off my body, or 16 bags of 5 pound potatoes, or roughly 10 gallons of milk!<br />
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You can do it friends, you can reach your goals if you set your mind to it! Make a list of things you would like to accomplish and how you will achieve them and start making your dreams come true!!! Life is a beautiful gift and you deserve your best so get to it friends!!!!<br />
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Cheers, TabTabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-77623017750221526452011-09-18T18:01:00.000-07:002012-01-18T18:52:15.903-08:00People Pleaser, Yes I am IndeedThis last year has been a year of inner self reflection, self growth and time to step aside and look at my life up to August 1, 2010. It has been a really lonely year to be honest. I have only one person in my life that knows how I feel besides Derek, and I am pretty sure she can attest to how lonely of a place that life is after the death of our precious children! People walk on egg shells around you, try to pretend like life never happened, all the while you are just trying to hold the pieces of your together. Trying to find joy in the little things, for me remembering that my precious Faith deserves my best too! <br />
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I have always been a people pleaser, I think pretty much since I was born. I have always had a hard time telling no, so even as my life had been falling apart I found myself trying to make everyone around me happy in the midst of all my pain. While some of this is good, Faith deserves happiness, she went through the tough times with us, some of this stuff could have waited or I have said no! I guess it is that inner part of me that strives to be perfect; striving to have the perfect house that is always clean and tidy, trying to be the perfect wife, to be a great cook, to just please everyone. I just want everyone to be happy. I love making everyone happy. I love making everyone laugh. I love throwing parties. I love hunting for gifts for the people I love just so I can see the joy on their face. I have realized though that has been my down fall, I spent so much of my life making others happy, and dodging my true feelings and letting people walk all over me verbally that I have neglected myself. The fact is that no is perfect, not even ME! Shocking I know!!!! I have been stepping back these last 6 months and just been saying no. No it is not okay to guilt me. No life is not okay, but it will be. No I am not going to fake that life is full of roses and sunshine anymore, but I will admit life is hard, but there is always a silver lining, and God is always waiting for me to give over control to HIM! <br />
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In my adventure to self discovery and healing I have come to realize it is okay to say no to people. It is okay to say no to food and stop using it as a means to soothe myself. It is also okay to tell people who are being hurtful that it is not okay, and let them know I am going to grieve and live in my own way. <br />
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I am now in a place where I can start to say yes again. Today at church our pastor was speaking on vision and what the next year for our church will look like. At one point, I swear it was like he was looking at me and said, "As you serve God gets blood flowing to the most hurt places within us." I am ready to start serving, and volunteering my time and using my gifts and talents. However, I do realize there is a difference between serving and volunteering my time and going back to the place where all I do is people please. I am ready to start living life to the fullest again!<br />
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Speaking of living my life to the fullest...On November 4, 2011 I get the opportunity to take my life back. I am getting a medically indicated Panniculectomy Surgery. This is basically a fancy way of saying that I get to have the excess skin, or as the doctors call it, "panel" or "apron" removed from the bottom part of my stomach. I am also having a scar revision so I get to have the more extensive Panniculectomy, so I will have a nice flat tummy! I am so excited to live life, and stop wasting my life away by pleasing others and start caring for myself. This year has been about losing weight, finding myself, and working towards healing and true happiness. Life is so worth living, I am glad I have decided to join the living again! Seize the day friends, life is so good!<br />
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Food for thought from Pastor Lance today, "Could you imagine if you believed God was limitless, you would be afraid of NOTHING!"<br />
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I am diving in and going to chew of this food for thought!<br />
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Cheers, TabTabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-23344873382459442652011-09-14T20:43:00.000-07:002012-01-18T18:53:00.826-08:00Eating My Feelings...Lately I have been struggling. Not only emotionally but weight wise. These last ten pounds have been the hardest to loose. I don't know if it is a mental struggle or if it is just that I am pretty much at the weight I am supposed to be. Yesterday I had a slip up, I totally ate my feelings, but good news is I reigned them in before it got too out of hand and tracked every last point I ate. However, I have been exercising like a maniac, and have indeed seen my body changing, my legs becoming so slim and my arms toning up, but my weight has pretty much been stable anywhere between 165-169. Either way I am calling the general surgeon tomorrow to schedule my follow up and get the balls rolling for my stomach reconstruction. I know I haven't been losing tons as of lately but I have losing inches thanks to my MWF spin instructors.<br />
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Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime. Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party. Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be. If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel. I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel. It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas. I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken. I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times. I feel ALONE. However, until yesterday I felt hopeful. Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God. Until yesterday I was on the mend. Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing. The short answer is NO. The long answer is that God is big. He is bigger than my feelings. He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness. He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss. In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.<br />
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This video depicts the story of the song How He Loves, by Mark McMillian, and how it came out of a deep pain and the loss of Mark's friend. I listened to this after a friend sent me the link shortly after Zech died, and it was like reading my diary and expressed my feelings like no one else could. This song is bittersweet for me, we sang this song at Zech's funeral, but it also has given hope. </div>
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So, today I choose hope. I keep reminding myself that there is always someone who has it worse than I do...but God is bigger than my emotions and pity parties. Life is for the living and worth living to the fullest!</div>
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Cheers, Tab</div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-52321541917058736132011-09-13T20:33:00.000-07:002011-09-13T20:33:55.417-07:00Two Steps Forward Five Steps Back...Today I had one of those days. One of those days where you have a moment that takes you right back to square one. Today I took Faith to the Commissary and I ran into someone I knew from Fort Sam Houston, someone who has a child with the same Congenital Heart Disease that Zechariah had...well friends it took me back to August 1, 2010, the day I lost Zechariah...my heart raced, my hands started sweating, my face had a fake smile plastered on it, I was on the brink of a panic attack...It took me back to the question that has no good answer.. Why us and not them? Well the no good answer to that is...Why not us. It has been what I have feared since hearing that this family would be moving to Fort Lewis. Just as the Reese family is on the mend we take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps back. It may have been a rough day but one true thing remains, God is still good, and He is still in control. <br />
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Cheers, TabTabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-24522618298070010152011-09-06T15:58:00.000-07:002012-01-18T18:54:04.009-08:00A few of my new favorite things...So as y'all know I am on this crazy weight loss journey and along with that journey comes a journey to wellness and wholeness since the death of our wonderful son Zechariah a little over a year ago. Let me tell you friends getting healthy is hard! I love processed food, who doesn't? I mean seriously there isn't much that tastes better than home-made mac and cheese, fried chicken, and oh so yummy fried delicious mozzarella sticks (all these delicious treats are a ridiculous amount of points plus values on Weight Watchers). However, I have learned that everything is okay in moderation, and I have also found a few healthy items that I absolutely love! First new item I love that comes from the freezer section is TGI FRIDAY mozzarella sticks, you can bake them in the oven and they are only 5 points plus values for 2! I have taken a few pictures of my other new finds that I absolutely love for your viewing pleasure!<br />
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These are mini bell peppers, they are kinda pricey but worth it they are delicious ($3.99 for a medium size bag, but I am the only one that likes them so that is okay) with baby carrots and 2 tablespoons of Wishbone Light Ranch (1 points plus value). Makes and delicious 1 point plus value snack!<br />
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Can we all say yummo!!!! In the last few years Greek yogurt has become all the rage. I have been eating the Fage plain Greek yogurt and doctoring it up with stevia and almond extract and then adding some berries which is delicious...but I found some coupons for these and read on a Weight Watchers blog that these are absolutely delicious so I had to try. Boy, they weren't lying these are yummy, these 3 points plus yogurts have been replacing my serving of Pop Chips at lunch, healthy all natural and filling.<br />
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This next new food love is by no means healthy but it is a better alternative to regular mac and cheese. I stood in the aisle at the grocery store with my Point Plus calculator trying to decide which is the best choice and I stumbled along these single serve Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Much lower in fat and a yummy alternative for only 5 points plus value.<br />
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There you have it friends, my healthier finds. As a whole I try to skip the processed food lately but sometimes you just have to have some of our unhealthy counterparts! Have a wonderful healthy day friends! Eat well and live well! Cheers, TabTabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-38775496305481717742011-08-31T21:13:00.000-07:002012-01-18T19:07:09.627-08:00One year later...So most of y'all know that it has been a year since; I lost my son Zechariah, lost myself, been struggling to find myself, struggling to hold myself together for Faith and my husband Derek, all the while living this crazy life as a military wife...BUT on Sept 2, in 2 short days I will have been on this crazy weight loss journey for one year! I decided last year when we got home to Texas after going to California for Zechariah's funeral and some vacation time that it was my time change. It was on September 2, 2010 that I had my ah ha moment. I came to the realization that Zechariah couldn't control the condition of his heart and he couldn't control the fact that he had DiGeorge Syndrome, but I can control my heart, I can control my health so it was up to me to make a change. When we came back to Texas I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting and I have been taking off the weight with WW and exercise of course. I have found that I love spinning, who knew, my body has changed it has become slimmer and my legs and hiney are getting strong and slim, it feels so good to be living again and exercising and watching what I eat! This weight loss journey has helped me take off 81 pounds to date! Amazing what a year and a perspective change can bring!<br />
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Along with losing the weight I am about to lose part of myself literally! I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and was referred to a surgeon to evaluate my stomach, the extra skin and the yucky panel I have left from having 2 c-sections and an emergency surgery. I went to the surgeon thinking the surgery wouldn't be approved because it would be considered cosmetic, but no I was APPROVED! So I have about 11 more pounds to lose then I can go for my follow up appointment and get my surgery scheduled. I feel so very blessed. I feel like this surgery is the icing on the cake to all the hard work I put in this year.<br />
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My Before, My best friend Audra and I before we both started our weight loss journey's. I am on the right. I was wearing a really tight 18 and an XL or XXL depending on the brand, here I weigh 247.</div>
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Me as off last week! 81 pounds lighter! Wearig a size 10 pant and a medium shirt! My weight in this picture is 166!</div>
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So friends if you are struggling with your weight, if you are looking to find yourself again. Think about your ah ha moment and get started. Make goals, track your progress, keep moving because moving forward is moving on! My next goals are to lose the last 11 pounds, have my stomach reconstruction done, and get to my goal weight, once I am there I will be applying to work for Weight Watchers International as either a receptionist or leader, I also want to continue with my spin classes and eventually become a certified instructor, who knows where I will go next the whole world has opened up for me! <br />
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Seize the day y'all because life is fabulous and worth living, so believe in yourself so you can change yourself! Cheers, Tab</div>
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</div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-56816259141410113332011-07-28T21:55:00.000-07:002012-01-18T19:06:01.167-08:00Excercise, I think so!Okay so I have had a hard time blogging lately, keeping up on everything except my house, resting, catching a breather since moving and then Grandma dying and then the sudden trip back to Cali. So, with all that being said I have been averaging 1 workout per week. This week, I decided to make a change, to start getting more workouts in each week, no more excuses! Last night I was reminded of the good ol' Bob Harper quote, "Stand up and finish what you started." I needed to remember that and take it to heart. Truth be told I have been kinda wavering lately. I have been tracking my food and eating pretty healthy but I could be doing better, especially if I am going to slack on exercise. So last night I laced up my Saucony's and ran like it was the easiest thing I have done all week (even though I had to keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other)! I am proud to say that today I forced myself to do my yoga video. Let me tell you all, if you don't want to walk when your done do this workout! Just kidding it is not that bad, but it was definitely hard and I got a good workout in but I am indeed sore from last night and tonight. Note to self keep working out it makes life and workouts way easier!!!! So friends lace up those shoes, go for a run, take a walk, do something today is the perfect day to start! <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDP0uzGVgd8Ub4mN0LqHboDupu0juMD67eLmZh9AKBTzIV9KZlyMRxk49hrcMie9BXYIjMmL0bMIaOvaC7y6X6U4_hGry8SjPKJwYofs0E9UOPy5N2H_jyYDQwqYH0T4AU6-MeA3LARdSp/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDP0uzGVgd8Ub4mN0LqHboDupu0juMD67eLmZh9AKBTzIV9KZlyMRxk49hrcMie9BXYIjMmL0bMIaOvaC7y6X6U4_hGry8SjPKJwYofs0E9UOPy5N2H_jyYDQwqYH0T4AU6-MeA3LARdSp/s1600/unnamed.jpg" t$="true" /></a></div>Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-44653503785708697972011-06-06T10:25:00.000-07:002012-01-18T19:04:52.067-08:00Good Bye Texas, Hello Washington!Hi y'all, well we finally made it to Washington! The drive was beautiful, and vacation was fabulous! We spent time in Huntington Beach visiting my sister in law and her fiance, went to Disneyland, headed up and spent time with my nieces and nephews in Manteca, visited with old friends, and then headed up to Redding to spend time with my in-laws. I do have to say that I have still been losing weight since we have been on vacation and traveling. I haven't gained any and proud to say I have lost 71.2 pounds. It has been hard and taken a lot of mental rehearsing and compromise as far as food is concerned, but I am now only 20 pounds from goal!<br />
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Washington is certainly beautiful, and while it is beautiful it is dredging up old feelings of Germany. Between the rain and the beauty of the trees it is stirring up feelings from just last year and our fight to get Zechariah back to the US. I certainly don't want to forget Zechariah or pretend he was never with us, I just don't want to be that girl who's son died. That is who I was in Texas, and I don't want that for my time here in Washington. I want to be the girl who is being healed, restored, and living life to the fullest.<br />
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As I sit and write this I am feeling a bit anxious about our future. We found out Derek will most likely go to Afghanistan in March (if you are reading this and are on my Facebook, please don't post any of this we are not ready to tell Derek's parents), and we still don't have housing. Not having housing is not what is stressing me out it is the finances that have me stressed. I don't want to go financially in the hole for this move, Derek and I pretty much live on the if you charge it pay it right away motto, but I just keep going where is the money for all this coming from! I also have to keep my mind off of this deployment. I already lost part of my heart this year when Zechariah died all I can think about is what happens if something happens to Derek. I guess that brings me to church yesterday. On Saturday, Derek and I took to google to find Foursquare church's in Tacoma. We attended a Foursquare church in Manteca, CA, as well as an Assembly of God church, both are pretty much the same in beliefs, the difference is how each denomination appoints their pastors. Anyways so we found the church Puget Sound Christian Center. It was fabulous friends. The minute we walked in there was a wonderful guy named Steve who gave us a tour, and when we had Faith all checked in to kids church we headed over to the sanctuary for worship. While we were worshiping a guy came up to us shook our hands and started talking to us, low and behold this young nice guy was the pastor. When worship was nearly done he went and started talking about how he felt someone was struggling with fear, if it maybe about upcoming deployments, finances, and what the future holds, and needed to know that God wanted to take those fears and wants our complete and utter surrender. Those words spoke truly to my heart. The sermon was on surrender, and boy did I need to hear it. After the service was over we ran into the pastor again and he said, those words were for you. We never told him Derek would most likely be deployed, it was Jesus, speaking to us through this man who was willing to be Jesus' mouth piece.<br />
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So today, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will surrender it to my Savior, and pray that I can make it through all this unscathed!Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5903437842595177189.post-88010041678790039152011-04-28T19:36:00.000-07:002012-01-18T19:03:49.306-08:00Oh forget it I will just eat the fries...So last night Derek, Faith and I had to run some errands, we are tying up the loose ends of our time in Texas, in the process we decided to head to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. As we were driving in the car I was scanning the Weight Watchers Dining Out Companion. At one point in our conversation Derek and I got onto the topic of one of our friends who had their baby yesterday, Derek procedded to ask me how I felt about that, and we continued to talk. I realized as we were pulling into the parking lot that all of a sudden the plan I had for the Chargrilled Chicken Salad went right out the window and the french fries flew in the window just like that! All of a sudden the light switched turned on and I realized I was not managing my feelings well, I was going to manage them with french fries. Feelings noted, I felt sad, I wanted to drown those feelings in french fries. Well, I found my resolve and stuck to my orignial plan, wahoo me!!!!!! Note to self, continue to face my stuff instead of stuffing my face.Tabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00094205394088609751noreply@blogger.com1