Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Eating My Feelings...

Lately I have been struggling. Not  only emotionally but weight wise.  These last ten pounds have been the hardest to loose.  I don't know if it is a mental struggle or if it is just that I am pretty much at the weight I am supposed to be.  Yesterday I had a slip up, I totally ate my feelings, but good news is I reigned them in before it got too out of hand and tracked every last point I ate.  However, I have been exercising like a maniac, and have indeed seen my body changing, my legs becoming so slim and my arms toning up, but my weight has pretty much been stable anywhere between 165-169.  Either way I am calling the general surgeon tomorrow to schedule my follow up and get the balls rolling for my stomach reconstruction.  I know I haven't been losing tons as of lately but I have losing inches thanks to my MWF spin instructors.

Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime.  Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party.  Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be.  If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel.  I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel.  It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas.  I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken.  I feel betrayed.  I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times.  I feel ALONE.  However, until yesterday I felt hopeful.  Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God.  Until yesterday I was on the mend.  Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing.  The short answer is NO.  The long answer is that God is big.  He is bigger than my feelings.  He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness.  He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss.  In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.

This video depicts the story of the song How He Loves, by Mark McMillian, and how it came out of a deep pain and the loss of Mark's friend.  I listened to this after a friend sent me the link shortly after Zech died, and it was like reading my diary and expressed my feelings like no one else could.  This song is bittersweet for me, we sang this song at Zech's funeral, but it also has given hope. 

So, today I choose hope.  I keep reminding myself that there is always someone who has it worse than I do...but God is bigger than my emotions and pity parties.  Life is for the living and worth living to the fullest!

Cheers, Tab

1 comment:

  1. While I cannot relate to losing a child, I can relate to loss. When I was 10, my 12 yr old sister died in an accident. 16 years later I still struggle around the anniversary. Is it as hard? No. Do I cry as much? No. But you live with the memories, both good and bad, for life. And since a VERY short time has passed, you are justified in all the emotions you are feeling. I do not know if you have gone through grief counseling, but it may be helpful.

    Your WLJ inspires me all the time Tab and I just think you are terrific and strong.