This last year has been a year of inner self reflection, self growth and time to step aside and look at my life up to August 1, 2010. It has been a really lonely year to be honest. I have only one person in my life that knows how I feel besides Derek, and I am pretty sure she can attest to how lonely of a place that life is after the death of our precious children! People walk on egg shells around you, try to pretend like life never happened, all the while you are just trying to hold the pieces of your together. Trying to find joy in the little things, for me remembering that my precious Faith deserves my best too!
I have always been a people pleaser, I think pretty much since I was born. I have always had a hard time telling no, so even as my life had been falling apart I found myself trying to make everyone around me happy in the midst of all my pain. While some of this is good, Faith deserves happiness, she went through the tough times with us, some of this stuff could have waited or I have said no! I guess it is that inner part of me that strives to be perfect; striving to have the perfect house that is always clean and tidy, trying to be the perfect wife, to be a great cook, to just please everyone. I just want everyone to be happy. I love making everyone happy. I love making everyone laugh. I love throwing parties. I love hunting for gifts for the people I love just so I can see the joy on their face. I have realized though that has been my down fall, I spent so much of my life making others happy, and dodging my true feelings and letting people walk all over me verbally that I have neglected myself. The fact is that no is perfect, not even ME! Shocking I know!!!! I have been stepping back these last 6 months and just been saying no. No it is not okay to guilt me. No life is not okay, but it will be. No I am not going to fake that life is full of roses and sunshine anymore, but I will admit life is hard, but there is always a silver lining, and God is always waiting for me to give over control to HIM!
In my adventure to self discovery and healing I have come to realize it is okay to say no to people. It is okay to say no to food and stop using it as a means to soothe myself. It is also okay to tell people who are being hurtful that it is not okay, and let them know I am going to grieve and live in my own way.
I am now in a place where I can start to say yes again. Today at church our pastor was speaking on vision and what the next year for our church will look like. At one point, I swear it was like he was looking at me and said, "As you serve God gets blood flowing to the most hurt places within us." I am ready to start serving, and volunteering my time and using my gifts and talents. However, I do realize there is a difference between serving and volunteering my time and going back to the place where all I do is people please. I am ready to start living life to the fullest again!
Speaking of living my life to the fullest...On November 4, 2011 I get the opportunity to take my life back. I am getting a medically indicated Panniculectomy Surgery. This is basically a fancy way of saying that I get to have the excess skin, or as the doctors call it, "panel" or "apron" removed from the bottom part of my stomach. I am also having a scar revision so I get to have the more extensive Panniculectomy, so I will have a nice flat tummy! I am so excited to live life, and stop wasting my life away by pleasing others and start caring for myself. This year has been about losing weight, finding myself, and working towards healing and true happiness. Life is so worth living, I am glad I have decided to join the living again! Seize the day friends, life is so good!
Food for thought from Pastor Lance today, "Could you imagine if you believed God was limitless, you would be afraid of NOTHING!"
I am diving in and going to chew of this food for thought!