Flourishing

The last few weeks have been so very hard for me.  I have struggled for 2 weeks with my emotions and choosing to eat my feelings.  I feel frustrated with myself when I allow myself to go down that path because I have worked so hard and that is certainly not a way to honor my dear Zechariah.  I have a choice with my health, but I been so torn with my life lately I haven't cared.  Don't get me wrong I haven't let myself stray too much, but enough to make me want to kick myself.  Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time.  Faith and I were in the car, we were on the way to the store to exchange her shoes before our gym time.  Out of the blue Faith says, "Mommy I want Zechariah to have a dinosaur party like the dinosaur from Toy Story."  We continued to talk and we both agreed that we miss Zechariah, I went on to tell her that she was such a good big sister.  We sat quietly for a moment and before I knew it a song came on the radio that took me back in an instant to Zechariah's memorial service and as I was drove down the highway I turned up the radio and quietly sobbed to myself.  I cried for Faith, for Derek, for myself, and for a life that was and will never be.

I have really struggled with putting my life back together.  I naively thought that when we moved here that this would be our new beginning and it was going to be all sunshine and roses.  It sure hasn't.  I have struggled with making new friends in Washington.  I have found myself wanting to isolate myself to the Army base and just do my weekly everyday things, take Faith to school, swimming, ballet, gym repeat.  I have struggled making friends at church, which is unusual for me since I usually make friends quite easily.   I have struggled with my faith.  I just don't understand sometimes why God's words says that His plans are not to harm us but to bring us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), but for my family our lives have been left in shambles and I don't see the pieces getting put back together anytime soon.

I feel broken and somewhat defeated.  However, I am choosing to believe that life has more for me.  I am choosing to know that this is just a season and just like after a hard winter comes spring and with spring things begin to flourish again.  I am believing for a life that FLOURISHES again.

Undone

Have you ever thought, "Where did the last few years go?"  That is where I am right now.  I don't know where the last 3 years have gone.  It seems like it has been so long since we moved to Germany, found out I was pregnant with Zechariah, moved to Texas to fight Zech's Congenital Heart Disease, lost myself in the process, only to find myself a few years later completely changed.  If someone would have given me the story of my life up to this point I would have called them a liar.  I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined in my lifetime that my family would have lived through the hardest season of our lives; better yet actually survived it!  I realized just this week that my life has totally come undone.  I have also realized that if my life hadn't come undone, I wouldn't have let Jesus meet me exactly where I (was) am at.   I have been thinking on a song called, "Here in Your Presence."  I have been really thinking on the chorus:

Here in Your presence, we are undone

Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one

Here in Your presence, all things are new

Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Isn't that the truth, in the presence of Jesus we are undone.  Thinking about my life up to this point I have either, a) truly come undone in the presence of Jesus, or, b) pushed Jesus away and done everything all myself.  I have been thinking on how to move forward this year and let 2012 be better than the last 2 1/2 years.  The bridge to this song has been just as thought provoking for me.

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

What if we believe that Jesus is as good as His word says?  What if we believed that he was wonderful, beautiful, glorious, and matchless?  If I believed this more often would life be easier?  What if I believe that all things are possible with God?  What if I believe that there is a joyous passionate life after such heartache?  If I believed all these things life would be TRANSFORMED!  Today I am going to let my life continue to be TRANSFORMED!

"Holy Cow!"

"Holy Cow!"  Those were the first words out of my four year old Faith's mouth this morning when her eyes fell upon the snowfall that accumulated overnight.  School has been canceled, work has been cancelled (after Derek was required to report), so what do we do?  We make cake and eat it too!  I guess I should say I made blueberry streusel for my family and they ate it too!

"Holy Cow!"  The blanket of snow we woke up to this morning!

Blueberry Streusel for my loves!

Faithie enjoying her blueberry streusel!

My egg white scramble and apple cinnamon oatmeal.  Not as exciting as streusel but still delicious!

Next up on our agenda, a sweet guilt free treat!

As I sit here watching the snow continue to fall it makes life feel so peaceful, if just for this very moment.  However, I am then reminded that for snow to fall you need a storm.  This crazy snow storm has been such a good reminder to me that storms can bring peace, if only we choose peace!  Peace is just a prayer away.  Today my friends, I choose peace and joy!

Cheers, Tab

4 Years Ago...

4 years ago I gave birth to my sweet daughter Faith.  4 years ago today I traded my title as solely a wife for the titles of wife and mother!  As my sweet girl naps I have been sitting back reflecting on how many things have changed in the last 4 years, and how many things I have traded in.

So, in no particular order, here goes my list...I know most people know how hard life has been for us these last few years. The last few months, I have been daily trading my sorrow for the joy that comes in the morning.   I have been trading my role as solely a mother for one of a mother and advocate for my children.  I have been trading my grief for a new life with a new meaning.  I have traded unhealthy eating habits for healthy eating habits with the help of Weight Watchers.  I traded my regular workout shoes for spin shoes.  I traded my raggedy gym clothes for nice form fitting ones that I make me feel HOT!  However, most recently I have traded my "squishy" stomach (in the words of Faith) in for a flat stomach!  

I decided for the purpose of continuing to live my truth this year that I would be vulnerable and share with you all the fabulous trade I made with my stomach!

There it is, my "squishy" stomach all marked up for the surgeons!  Getting ready to trade my extra skin for a flat tummy!

Drum roll please.... DA DA DA!  Here is my flat tummy! I traded in a few old scares for a few new ones on my new flat tummy!

Life is all about compromises and trades.  We trade one thing for the next, some trades are fabulous and some not so much.  However, as I sit here reflecting on my trades and compromises the last 4 years I smile because I wouldn't trade all the love, joy, heartache, and lessons that I have learned these last few years.  I don't know what your trades are but just remember friends, with every trade you make God is still good and He is willing to walk along side of you and all the crazy trades that life has to dish out!

Cheers, Tab

Feeling Lonely

Right now I am so lonely...I miss California.  I am going through some really hard things right now and I feel so alone.  I know I have support from my friends and family, but life is just getting to me.  I feel as if I have to hold it all together for my family.  I have support back home in California, but here is Washington, I only have one true friend I could call up and she would be here in a heartbeat, and of course she is on vacation.  I have made some friends from a ladies fellowship group I am in from church.  However, I feel like the odd ball out, all the other ladies in the group are in ministry with their husbands, they can relate to one another.  They're having babies, and while I am happy for them my heart hurts.  A few comments have been made to me along the lines of, "well be grateful you have a girl, boys are so messy."  Or my personal favorite, "just wait until you have a boy."  With each comment my heart breaks a little more.  I feel like, who can relate to a 30 year old who has been married for almost 5 years and has had 2 children, a girl and a boy, one of which has passed away.  My whole identity has changed.  Truly my whole life.  It is weird, I am not in ministry, I am not a typical Army wife, I am not a typical mother, and I just don't know where I fit in anymore...If I could pin point it I would say it is 2 different feelings, one being the feeling of being unloved and unappreciated.  I know that I am not either of those things, but sometimes it is just nice to hear it once and awhile, you know.  The other being that of trying to fit in the world again after such sadness and defeat the last year and a half.

Okay, enough whining, I am going to count my blessings.  First, I have wonderful friends and family back home and even though we go through periods of not talking because of busy schedules and life getting in the way I know I can pick up the phone and call and they would listen and care for me.  I have a wonderful friend Audra, she is more like family than a friend.  I am so blessed by her, she blessed me and came to Washington to help me after I had my surgery.  She left her 4 children, husband, and life that she has in California to come and take care of me.  She has truly taught me what a servants heart is and I pray someday I can be as much of a blessing to her as she has been to me.  Secondly, moving often has given me the opportunity to met wonderful people, I am so blessed to have my friend Chelsea, I don't think she knows this but I treasure her.  She is a wonderfully prayerful friend and her cards that pop up in my mailbox all the way from Germany always encourage me just when I need it. Last but not least, I have a wonderful daughter and husband.  Derek and I have been through hell and back these last 2 years.  It is truly by God's grace that we are still married, at times I felt like our relationship was just falling apart at the seams.  I praise God that we are still married, there is an 80% divorce rate among married couples who lose children.  Our marriage is not perfect but worth fighting for and I want to get back to the place were we can remember the reasons we fell in love instead of just surviving each day and suffering separately as we deal with our sadness of losing our dear Zechariah.  My dear wonderful Faith, I am so blessed to call her my daughter.  She is so full of life and I know that someday she is going to set this world on fire.  She brings me such joy, and I am so touched by her kind heart and loving spirit.

Be blessed my friends...This is my truth, this is where I am at.  I hope this year we can all be more open to living our truth unashamedly.

Cheers, Tab

Can't We Just Be Real

Well friends, it has been a long time since I have blogged.  I have had a lot on my plate.  Last month I had excess skin removed from my stomach and it is healing quite nicely and I am back to cycling, or should I say back to working on my Carrie Underwood legs and my Michelle Obama arms (a girl can dream can't she).

December 14 was Zechariah's birthday, my little man would have been 2.  With each birthday or milestone that is missed I think about how life has not been what I expected.  For just a brief moment I feel sorry for myself, but then I am reminded there is always someone who has it worse than I do.  However, it leads me to think about how fake we are as a society.  We go through life putting on heirs of perfection.  Striving to convince people that we are the perfect mom's, wife's, sisters and daughters.  However, there are people like my family just trying to find a new sense of joy again and barley holding it together after losing a child.  Do people know that we have been struggling?   Probably not too many.  Has society made it easy to share our joys, pains, and struggles?  Nope sure hasn't been easy.

So in attempt at being a person who is real and transparent I will share a little bit about myself, maybe it will spur others to be more open and honest.  My name is Tabatha, I am a mother, wife, sister and daughter.  I am a neat freak which really means I am a control freak.  I am not one of those you see at church; meaning I am not a perfect stay home wife and mother who can turn everything into a perfect life lesson with a Bible story and all.  Don't get me wrong we talk about the Lord frequently but we also live a real life.  I cook healthy but I don't necessarily cook gourmet.  I love when Faith goes to preschool and I get 3 hours to myself.  I am not one of those mom's that can home school, cook perfect meals each day, and have my husband perfectly happy at all times.  I don't craft, crafting is not really my thing, all though  I do love other people's crafts.  I am also a recovering food addict, that may make some people laugh but you don't get to 247 pounds by controlling what you put in your mouth.  I have spent the last year and few months working hard at losing the weight and facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face.  Life has been hard the last few years, physically, emotionally, health wise, and it has taken a toll on my marriage.  Derek and I are trying to pick up the pieces of our life and figure out how to function after losing our son, and how to deal with loss in our own way, since we both have grieved differently.  Life is messy and has been hard but one thing remains God is still good through it all.  If God is going to be good to us in the good times then He is still good in the bad times.  Maybe if each of us spoke the truth about our live's more often we wouldn't be so lonely, we could rise up and spur one another on, we could truly be as the Bible says, iron sharpening iron.

So friends be honest today, with yourself, your friends, and your family.  It doesn't mean telling the world all your business, it just means take a chance, share your life.

Lessons Learned on a Spin Bike...Leaning Into It

So last Sunday Derek and I went to our first grief share class and there has been a phrase that has been sticking with me all week.  This class is made up of a group meeting which also has a video that accompanies it, at one point a lady of the video said that sometimes you have to "lean into grief."  I didn't really understand what that meant...until Monday in the middle of a grueling spin class.  For my friends who are not avid spinners or you haven't taken a spin class, spin classes are simply indoor aerobic cycling, it is made to simulate hills and flat roads as if you were really riding out side.  With that being said when you are in class there is a point when you are sprinting on the bike, or you have so much gear (added weight) that all you can do is put your head down and lean into the handle bars and push down either as fast as you can while you are sprinting if that is what you are doing or just keep pushing the heavy heavy pedals down as if you are climbing a hill.  I came to realize while I was "leaning into" my spin bike that grief is the same way, you have to lean into the pedals or the bike and at some point you get to let up on the sprinting or eventually take the gear off and it gets easier.  The more you train the easier it gets. The more you "lean into grief" and allow grief to take its course the easier it gets.  Chance encounters get easier, birthdays, death dates, and holidays get a little easier.  Sometimes we just have to lean into it!
Blessings, Tab