This last year has been a year of inner self reflection, self growth and time to step aside and look at my life up to August 1, 2010. It has been a really lonely year to be honest. I have only one person in my life that knows how I feel besides Derek, and I am pretty sure she can attest to how lonely of a place that life is after the death of our precious children! People walk on egg shells around you, try to pretend like life never happened, all the while you are just trying to hold the pieces of your together. Trying to find joy in the little things, for me remembering that my precious Faith deserves my best too!
I have always been a people pleaser, I think pretty much since I was born. I have always had a hard time telling no, so even as my life had been falling apart I found myself trying to make everyone around me happy in the midst of all my pain. While some of this is good, Faith deserves happiness, she went through the tough times with us, some of this stuff could have waited or I have said no! I guess it is that inner part of me that strives to be perfect; striving to have the perfect house that is always clean and tidy, trying to be the perfect wife, to be a great cook, to just please everyone. I just want everyone to be happy. I love making everyone happy. I love making everyone laugh. I love throwing parties. I love hunting for gifts for the people I love just so I can see the joy on their face. I have realized though that has been my down fall, I spent so much of my life making others happy, and dodging my true feelings and letting people walk all over me verbally that I have neglected myself. The fact is that no is perfect, not even ME! Shocking I know!!!! I have been stepping back these last 6 months and just been saying no. No it is not okay to guilt me. No life is not okay, but it will be. No I am not going to fake that life is full of roses and sunshine anymore, but I will admit life is hard, but there is always a silver lining, and God is always waiting for me to give over control to HIM!
In my adventure to self discovery and healing I have come to realize it is okay to say no to people. It is okay to say no to food and stop using it as a means to soothe myself. It is also okay to tell people who are being hurtful that it is not okay, and let them know I am going to grieve and live in my own way.
I am now in a place where I can start to say yes again. Today at church our pastor was speaking on vision and what the next year for our church will look like. At one point, I swear it was like he was looking at me and said, "As you serve God gets blood flowing to the most hurt places within us." I am ready to start serving, and volunteering my time and using my gifts and talents. However, I do realize there is a difference between serving and volunteering my time and going back to the place where all I do is people please. I am ready to start living life to the fullest again!
Speaking of living my life to the fullest...On November 4, 2011 I get the opportunity to take my life back. I am getting a medically indicated Panniculectomy Surgery. This is basically a fancy way of saying that I get to have the excess skin, or as the doctors call it, "panel" or "apron" removed from the bottom part of my stomach. I am also having a scar revision so I get to have the more extensive Panniculectomy, so I will have a nice flat tummy! I am so excited to live life, and stop wasting my life away by pleasing others and start caring for myself. This year has been about losing weight, finding myself, and working towards healing and true happiness. Life is so worth living, I am glad I have decided to join the living again! Seize the day friends, life is so good!
Food for thought from Pastor Lance today, "Could you imagine if you believed God was limitless, you would be afraid of NOTHING!"
I am diving in and going to chew of this food for thought!
Cheers, Tab
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Eating My Feelings...
Lately I have been struggling. Not only emotionally but weight wise. These last ten pounds have been the hardest to loose. I don't know if it is a mental struggle or if it is just that I am pretty much at the weight I am supposed to be. Yesterday I had a slip up, I totally ate my feelings, but good news is I reigned them in before it got too out of hand and tracked every last point I ate. However, I have been exercising like a maniac, and have indeed seen my body changing, my legs becoming so slim and my arms toning up, but my weight has pretty much been stable anywhere between 165-169. Either way I am calling the general surgeon tomorrow to schedule my follow up and get the balls rolling for my stomach reconstruction. I know I haven't been losing tons as of lately but I have losing inches thanks to my MWF spin instructors.
Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime. Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party. Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be. If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel. I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel. It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas. I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken. I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times. I feel ALONE. However, until yesterday I felt hopeful. Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God. Until yesterday I was on the mend. Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing. The short answer is NO. The long answer is that God is big. He is bigger than my feelings. He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness. He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss. In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.
Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime. Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party. Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be. If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel. I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel. It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas. I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken. I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times. I feel ALONE. However, until yesterday I felt hopeful. Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God. Until yesterday I was on the mend. Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing. The short answer is NO. The long answer is that God is big. He is bigger than my feelings. He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness. He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss. In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.
This video depicts the story of the song How He Loves, by Mark McMillian, and how it came out of a deep pain and the loss of Mark's friend. I listened to this after a friend sent me the link shortly after Zech died, and it was like reading my diary and expressed my feelings like no one else could. This song is bittersweet for me, we sang this song at Zech's funeral, but it also has given hope.
So, today I choose hope. I keep reminding myself that there is always someone who has it worse than I do...but God is bigger than my emotions and pity parties. Life is for the living and worth living to the fullest!
Cheers, Tab
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Two Steps Forward Five Steps Back...
Today I had one of those days. One of those days where you have a moment that takes you right back to square one. Today I took Faith to the Commissary and I ran into someone I knew from Fort Sam Houston, someone who has a child with the same Congenital Heart Disease that Zechariah had...well friends it took me back to August 1, 2010, the day I lost Zechariah...my heart raced, my hands started sweating, my face had a fake smile plastered on it, I was on the brink of a panic attack...It took me back to the question that has no good answer.. Why us and not them? Well the no good answer to that is...Why not us. It has been what I have feared since hearing that this family would be moving to Fort Lewis. Just as the Reese family is on the mend we take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps back. It may have been a rough day but one true thing remains, God is still good, and He is still in control.
Cheers, Tab
Cheers, Tab
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A few of my new favorite things...
So as y'all know I am on this crazy weight loss journey and along with that journey comes a journey to wellness and wholeness since the death of our wonderful son Zechariah a little over a year ago. Let me tell you friends getting healthy is hard! I love processed food, who doesn't? I mean seriously there isn't much that tastes better than home-made mac and cheese, fried chicken, and oh so yummy fried delicious mozzarella sticks (all these delicious treats are a ridiculous amount of points plus values on Weight Watchers). However, I have learned that everything is okay in moderation, and I have also found a few healthy items that I absolutely love! First new item I love that comes from the freezer section is TGI FRIDAY mozzarella sticks, you can bake them in the oven and they are only 5 points plus values for 2! I have taken a few pictures of my other new finds that I absolutely love for your viewing pleasure!
These are mini bell peppers, they are kinda pricey but worth it they are delicious ($3.99 for a medium size bag, but I am the only one that likes them so that is okay) with baby carrots and 2 tablespoons of Wishbone Light Ranch (1 points plus value). Makes and delicious 1 point plus value snack!
Can we all say yummo!!!! In the last few years Greek yogurt has become all the rage. I have been eating the Fage plain Greek yogurt and doctoring it up with stevia and almond extract and then adding some berries which is delicious...but I found some coupons for these and read on a Weight Watchers blog that these are absolutely delicious so I had to try. Boy, they weren't lying these are yummy, these 3 points plus yogurts have been replacing my serving of Pop Chips at lunch, healthy all natural and filling.
This next new food love is by no means healthy but it is a better alternative to regular mac and cheese. I stood in the aisle at the grocery store with my Point Plus calculator trying to decide which is the best choice and I stumbled along these single serve Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Much lower in fat and a yummy alternative for only 5 points plus value.
There you have it friends, my healthier finds. As a whole I try to skip the processed food lately but sometimes you just have to have some of our unhealthy counterparts! Have a wonderful healthy day friends! Eat well and live well! Cheers, Tab
These are mini bell peppers, they are kinda pricey but worth it they are delicious ($3.99 for a medium size bag, but I am the only one that likes them so that is okay) with baby carrots and 2 tablespoons of Wishbone Light Ranch (1 points plus value). Makes and delicious 1 point plus value snack!
Can we all say yummo!!!! In the last few years Greek yogurt has become all the rage. I have been eating the Fage plain Greek yogurt and doctoring it up with stevia and almond extract and then adding some berries which is delicious...but I found some coupons for these and read on a Weight Watchers blog that these are absolutely delicious so I had to try. Boy, they weren't lying these are yummy, these 3 points plus yogurts have been replacing my serving of Pop Chips at lunch, healthy all natural and filling.
This next new food love is by no means healthy but it is a better alternative to regular mac and cheese. I stood in the aisle at the grocery store with my Point Plus calculator trying to decide which is the best choice and I stumbled along these single serve Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Much lower in fat and a yummy alternative for only 5 points plus value.
There you have it friends, my healthier finds. As a whole I try to skip the processed food lately but sometimes you just have to have some of our unhealthy counterparts! Have a wonderful healthy day friends! Eat well and live well! Cheers, Tab
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
One year later...
So most of y'all know that it has been a year since; I lost my son Zechariah, lost myself, been struggling to find myself, struggling to hold myself together for Faith and my husband Derek, all the while living this crazy life as a military wife...BUT on Sept 2, in 2 short days I will have been on this crazy weight loss journey for one year! I decided last year when we got home to Texas after going to California for Zechariah's funeral and some vacation time that it was my time change. It was on September 2, 2010 that I had my ah ha moment. I came to the realization that Zechariah couldn't control the condition of his heart and he couldn't control the fact that he had DiGeorge Syndrome, but I can control my heart, I can control my health so it was up to me to make a change. When we came back to Texas I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting and I have been taking off the weight with WW and exercise of course. I have found that I love spinning, who knew, my body has changed it has become slimmer and my legs and hiney are getting strong and slim, it feels so good to be living again and exercising and watching what I eat! This weight loss journey has helped me take off 81 pounds to date! Amazing what a year and a perspective change can bring!
Along with losing the weight I am about to lose part of myself literally! I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and was referred to a surgeon to evaluate my stomach, the extra skin and the yucky panel I have left from having 2 c-sections and an emergency surgery. I went to the surgeon thinking the surgery wouldn't be approved because it would be considered cosmetic, but no I was APPROVED! So I have about 11 more pounds to lose then I can go for my follow up appointment and get my surgery scheduled. I feel so very blessed. I feel like this surgery is the icing on the cake to all the hard work I put in this year.
So friends if you are struggling with your weight, if you are looking to find yourself again. Think about your ah ha moment and get started. Make goals, track your progress, keep moving because moving forward is moving on! My next goals are to lose the last 11 pounds, have my stomach reconstruction done, and get to my goal weight, once I am there I will be applying to work for Weight Watchers International as either a receptionist or leader, I also want to continue with my spin classes and eventually become a certified instructor, who knows where I will go next the whole world has opened up for me!
Along with losing the weight I am about to lose part of myself literally! I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and was referred to a surgeon to evaluate my stomach, the extra skin and the yucky panel I have left from having 2 c-sections and an emergency surgery. I went to the surgeon thinking the surgery wouldn't be approved because it would be considered cosmetic, but no I was APPROVED! So I have about 11 more pounds to lose then I can go for my follow up appointment and get my surgery scheduled. I feel so very blessed. I feel like this surgery is the icing on the cake to all the hard work I put in this year.
My Before, My best friend Audra and I before we both started our weight loss journey's. I am on the right. I was wearing a really tight 18 and an XL or XXL depending on the brand, here I weigh 247.
Me as off last week! 81 pounds lighter! Wearig a size 10 pant and a medium shirt! My weight in this picture is 166!
Seize the day y'all because life is fabulous and worth living, so believe in yourself so you can change yourself! Cheers, Tab
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Excercise, I think so!
Okay so I have had a hard time blogging lately, keeping up on everything except my house, resting, catching a breather since moving and then Grandma dying and then the sudden trip back to Cali. So, with all that being said I have been averaging 1 workout per week. This week, I decided to make a change, to start getting more workouts in each week, no more excuses! Last night I was reminded of the good ol' Bob Harper quote, "Stand up and finish what you started." I needed to remember that and take it to heart. Truth be told I have been kinda wavering lately. I have been tracking my food and eating pretty healthy but I could be doing better, especially if I am going to slack on exercise. So last night I laced up my Saucony's and ran like it was the easiest thing I have done all week (even though I had to keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other)! I am proud to say that today I forced myself to do my yoga video. Let me tell you all, if you don't want to walk when your done do this workout! Just kidding it is not that bad, but it was definitely hard and I got a good workout in but I am indeed sore from last night and tonight. Note to self keep working out it makes life and workouts way easier!!!! So friends lace up those shoes, go for a run, take a walk, do something today is the perfect day to start!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Good Bye Texas, Hello Washington!
Hi y'all, well we finally made it to Washington! The drive was beautiful, and vacation was fabulous! We spent time in Huntington Beach visiting my sister in law and her fiance, went to Disneyland, headed up and spent time with my nieces and nephews in Manteca, visited with old friends, and then headed up to Redding to spend time with my in-laws. I do have to say that I have still been losing weight since we have been on vacation and traveling. I haven't gained any and proud to say I have lost 71.2 pounds. It has been hard and taken a lot of mental rehearsing and compromise as far as food is concerned, but I am now only 20 pounds from goal!
Washington is certainly beautiful, and while it is beautiful it is dredging up old feelings of Germany. Between the rain and the beauty of the trees it is stirring up feelings from just last year and our fight to get Zechariah back to the US. I certainly don't want to forget Zechariah or pretend he was never with us, I just don't want to be that girl who's son died. That is who I was in Texas, and I don't want that for my time here in Washington. I want to be the girl who is being healed, restored, and living life to the fullest.
As I sit and write this I am feeling a bit anxious about our future. We found out Derek will most likely go to Afghanistan in March (if you are reading this and are on my Facebook, please don't post any of this we are not ready to tell Derek's parents), and we still don't have housing. Not having housing is not what is stressing me out it is the finances that have me stressed. I don't want to go financially in the hole for this move, Derek and I pretty much live on the if you charge it pay it right away motto, but I just keep going where is the money for all this coming from! I also have to keep my mind off of this deployment. I already lost part of my heart this year when Zechariah died all I can think about is what happens if something happens to Derek. I guess that brings me to church yesterday. On Saturday, Derek and I took to google to find Foursquare church's in Tacoma. We attended a Foursquare church in Manteca, CA, as well as an Assembly of God church, both are pretty much the same in beliefs, the difference is how each denomination appoints their pastors. Anyways so we found the church Puget Sound Christian Center. It was fabulous friends. The minute we walked in there was a wonderful guy named Steve who gave us a tour, and when we had Faith all checked in to kids church we headed over to the sanctuary for worship. While we were worshiping a guy came up to us shook our hands and started talking to us, low and behold this young nice guy was the pastor. When worship was nearly done he went and started talking about how he felt someone was struggling with fear, if it maybe about upcoming deployments, finances, and what the future holds, and needed to know that God wanted to take those fears and wants our complete and utter surrender. Those words spoke truly to my heart. The sermon was on surrender, and boy did I need to hear it. After the service was over we ran into the pastor again and he said, those words were for you. We never told him Derek would most likely be deployed, it was Jesus, speaking to us through this man who was willing to be Jesus' mouth piece.
So today, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will surrender it to my Savior, and pray that I can make it through all this unscathed!
Washington is certainly beautiful, and while it is beautiful it is dredging up old feelings of Germany. Between the rain and the beauty of the trees it is stirring up feelings from just last year and our fight to get Zechariah back to the US. I certainly don't want to forget Zechariah or pretend he was never with us, I just don't want to be that girl who's son died. That is who I was in Texas, and I don't want that for my time here in Washington. I want to be the girl who is being healed, restored, and living life to the fullest.
As I sit and write this I am feeling a bit anxious about our future. We found out Derek will most likely go to Afghanistan in March (if you are reading this and are on my Facebook, please don't post any of this we are not ready to tell Derek's parents), and we still don't have housing. Not having housing is not what is stressing me out it is the finances that have me stressed. I don't want to go financially in the hole for this move, Derek and I pretty much live on the if you charge it pay it right away motto, but I just keep going where is the money for all this coming from! I also have to keep my mind off of this deployment. I already lost part of my heart this year when Zechariah died all I can think about is what happens if something happens to Derek. I guess that brings me to church yesterday. On Saturday, Derek and I took to google to find Foursquare church's in Tacoma. We attended a Foursquare church in Manteca, CA, as well as an Assembly of God church, both are pretty much the same in beliefs, the difference is how each denomination appoints their pastors. Anyways so we found the church Puget Sound Christian Center. It was fabulous friends. The minute we walked in there was a wonderful guy named Steve who gave us a tour, and when we had Faith all checked in to kids church we headed over to the sanctuary for worship. While we were worshiping a guy came up to us shook our hands and started talking to us, low and behold this young nice guy was the pastor. When worship was nearly done he went and started talking about how he felt someone was struggling with fear, if it maybe about upcoming deployments, finances, and what the future holds, and needed to know that God wanted to take those fears and wants our complete and utter surrender. Those words spoke truly to my heart. The sermon was on surrender, and boy did I need to hear it. After the service was over we ran into the pastor again and he said, those words were for you. We never told him Derek would most likely be deployed, it was Jesus, speaking to us through this man who was willing to be Jesus' mouth piece.
So today, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will surrender it to my Savior, and pray that I can make it through all this unscathed!
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