Lessons Learned on a Spin Bike...Leaning Into It

So last Sunday Derek and I went to our first grief share class and there has been a phrase that has been sticking with me all week.  This class is made up of a group meeting which also has a video that accompanies it, at one point a lady of the video said that sometimes you have to "lean into grief."  I didn't really understand what that meant...until Monday in the middle of a grueling spin class.  For my friends who are not avid spinners or you haven't taken a spin class, spin classes are simply indoor aerobic cycling, it is made to simulate hills and flat roads as if you were really riding out side.  With that being said when you are in class there is a point when you are sprinting on the bike, or you have so much gear (added weight) that all you can do is put your head down and lean into the handle bars and push down either as fast as you can while you are sprinting if that is what you are doing or just keep pushing the heavy heavy pedals down as if you are climbing a hill.  I came to realize while I was "leaning into" my spin bike that grief is the same way, you have to lean into the pedals or the bike and at some point you get to let up on the sprinting or eventually take the gear off and it gets easier.  The more you train the easier it gets. The more you "lean into grief" and allow grief to take its course the easier it gets.  Chance encounters get easier, birthdays, death dates, and holidays get a little easier.  Sometimes we just have to lean into it!
Blessings, Tab

Facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face...with cinnabon!

Okay y'all so you know when you have a scab and sometimes the scab comes off and there is no bleeding, just fresh skin underneath, all the while the wound is healing, but if you are to bump or scratch that fresh wound it is like a gaping wound that bleeds and bleeds...that is how my heart feels right now!  I feel like I have been on the mend and I have been working through my grief daily.  Two weeks ago when I ran into the family from Texas with the child who has the same CHD disease as our Zech it was like ripping off the scab that had started to form over my heart and the skin underneath was fresh but healing...but then today happened.  Before I explain it I have to tell you how ironic that Derek and I started our grief share class today.  So after church Derek dropped off at the front door so I can run into Old Navy and exchange a shirt that didn't fit well...guess who was there, the family from Texas.  I almost had a panic attack right in the middle of Old Navy.  Right then and there my wounds was gushing, I took a some cleansing breathes and paid for my items as quickly as possible...I feel like every time I see these people along with some other people from Texas and even from home at times, they look at me like I have the plague, or with sympathy or like I am pathetic.  I feel so sad when this happens because I feel like I have dealt with Zechariah's life and death really quite well.  I feel like I am a strong woman, with strong faith.  I just want people to see grief is not the plague you don't catch it but we will all have to deal with it at some point!

I do have good news to tell you...I fought the urge to drown my sorrows in Cinnabon!  I just said no to eating my feelings and my thighs are thanking me!  I am facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face!!!

Life is beautiful make sure and tell your loved ones how much you love them because life on this earth is short!

Blessings, Tab

People Pleaser, Yes I am Indeed

This last year has been a year of inner self reflection, self growth and time to step aside and look at my life up to August 1, 2010.  It has been a really lonely year to be honest.  I have only one person in my life that knows how I feel besides Derek, and I am pretty sure she can attest to how lonely of a place that life is after the death of our precious children!  People walk on egg shells around you, try to pretend like life never happened, all the while you are just trying to hold the pieces of your together.  Trying to find joy in the little things, for me remembering that my precious Faith deserves my best too! 

I have always been a people pleaser, I think pretty much since I was born.  I have always had a hard time telling no, so even as my life had been falling apart I found myself trying to make everyone around me happy in the midst of all my pain.  While some of this is good, Faith deserves happiness, she went through the tough times with us, some of this stuff could have waited or I have said no!  I guess it is that inner part of me that strives to be perfect; striving to have the perfect house that is always clean and tidy, trying to be the perfect wife, to be a great cook, to just please everyone.  I just want everyone to be happy.  I love making everyone happy.  I love making everyone laugh.  I love throwing parties.  I love hunting for gifts for the people I love just so I can see the joy on their face. I have realized though that has been my down fall, I spent so much of my life making others happy, and dodging my true feelings and letting people walk all over me verbally that I have neglected myself. The fact is that no is perfect, not even ME!  Shocking I know!!!!   I have been stepping back these last 6 months and just been saying no.  No it is not okay to guilt me. No life is not okay, but it will be.  No I am not going to fake that life is full of roses and sunshine anymore, but I will admit life is hard, but there is always a silver lining, and God is always waiting for me to give over control to HIM! 

In my adventure to self discovery and healing I have come to realize it is okay to say no to people.  It is okay to say no to food and stop using it as a means to soothe myself.  It is also okay to tell people who are being hurtful that it is not okay, and let them know I am going to grieve and live in my own way. 

I am now in a place where I can start to say yes again.  Today at church our pastor was speaking on vision and what the next year for our church will look like.  At one point, I swear it was like he was looking at me and said, "As you serve God gets blood flowing to the most hurt places within us."  I am ready to start serving, and volunteering my time and using my gifts and talents.  However, I do realize there is a difference between serving and volunteering my time and going back to the place where all I do is people please.  I am ready to start living life to the fullest again!

Speaking of living my life to the fullest...On November 4, 2011 I get the opportunity to take my life back.  I am getting a medically indicated Panniculectomy Surgery.  This is basically a fancy way of saying that I get to have the excess skin, or as the doctors call it, "panel" or "apron" removed from the bottom part of my stomach.  I am also having a scar revision so I get to have the more extensive Panniculectomy, so I will have a nice flat tummy!  I am so excited to live life, and stop wasting my life away by pleasing others and start caring for myself.  This year has been about losing weight, finding myself, and working towards healing and true happiness.  Life is so worth living, I am glad I have decided to join the living again!  Seize the day friends, life is so good!

Food for thought from Pastor Lance today, "Could you imagine if you believed God was limitless, you would be afraid of NOTHING!"

I am diving in and going to chew of this food for thought!

Cheers, Tab

Eating My Feelings...

Lately I have been struggling. Not  only emotionally but weight wise.  These last ten pounds have been the hardest to loose.  I don't know if it is a mental struggle or if it is just that I am pretty much at the weight I am supposed to be.  Yesterday I had a slip up, I totally ate my feelings, but good news is I reigned them in before it got too out of hand and tracked every last point I ate.  However, I have been exercising like a maniac, and have indeed seen my body changing, my legs becoming so slim and my arms toning up, but my weight has pretty much been stable anywhere between 165-169.  Either way I am calling the general surgeon tomorrow to schedule my follow up and get the balls rolling for my stomach reconstruction.  I know I haven't been losing tons as of lately but I have losing inches thanks to my MWF spin instructors.

Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime.  Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party.  Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be.  If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel.  I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel.  It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas.  I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken.  I feel betrayed.  I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times.  I feel ALONE.  However, until yesterday I felt hopeful.  Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God.  Until yesterday I was on the mend.  Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing.  The short answer is NO.  The long answer is that God is big.  He is bigger than my feelings.  He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness.  He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss.  In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.

This video depicts the story of the song How He Loves, by Mark McMillian, and how it came out of a deep pain and the loss of Mark's friend.  I listened to this after a friend sent me the link shortly after Zech died, and it was like reading my diary and expressed my feelings like no one else could.  This song is bittersweet for me, we sang this song at Zech's funeral, but it also has given hope. 

So, today I choose hope.  I keep reminding myself that there is always someone who has it worse than I do...but God is bigger than my emotions and pity parties.  Life is for the living and worth living to the fullest!

Cheers, Tab

One year later...

So most of y'all know that it has been a year since; I lost my son Zechariah, lost myself, been struggling to find myself, struggling to hold myself together for Faith and my husband Derek, all the while living this crazy life as a military wife...BUT on Sept 2, in 2 short days I will have been on this crazy weight loss journey for one year!  I decided last year when we got home to Texas after going to California for Zechariah's funeral and some vacation time that it was my time change.  It was on September 2, 2010 that I had my ah ha moment.  I came to the realization that Zechariah couldn't control the condition of his heart and he couldn't control the fact that he had DiGeorge Syndrome, but I can control my heart, I can control my health so it was up to me to make a change.  When we came back to Texas I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting and I have been taking off the weight with WW and exercise of course.  I have found that I love spinning, who knew, my body has changed it has become slimmer and my legs and hiney are getting strong and slim, it feels so good to be living again and exercising and watching what I eat!  This weight loss journey has helped me take off 81 pounds to date!  Amazing what a year and a perspective change can bring!

Along with losing the weight I am about to lose part of myself literally!  I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and was referred to a surgeon to evaluate my stomach, the extra skin and the yucky panel I have left from having 2 c-sections and an emergency surgery.  I went to the surgeon thinking the surgery wouldn't be approved because it would be considered cosmetic, but no I was APPROVED!  So I have about 11 more pounds to lose then I can go for my follow up appointment and get my surgery scheduled.  I feel so very blessed.  I feel like this surgery is the icing on the cake to all the hard work I put in this year.

My Before, My best friend Audra and I before we both started our weight loss journey's.  I am on the right.  I was wearing a really tight 18 and an XL or XXL depending on the brand, here I weigh 247.

Me as off last week!  81 pounds lighter!  Wearig a size 10 pant and a medium shirt!  My weight in this picture is 166!

So friends if you are struggling with your weight, if you are looking to find yourself again.  Think about your ah ha moment and get started.  Make goals, track your progress, keep moving because moving forward is moving on!  My next goals are to lose the last 11 pounds, have my stomach reconstruction done, and get to my goal weight, once I am there I will be applying to work for Weight Watchers International as either a receptionist or leader, I also want to continue with my spin classes and eventually become a certified instructor, who knows where I will go next the whole world has opened up for me! 

Seize the day y'all because life is fabulous and worth living, so believe in yourself so you can change yourself!  Cheers, Tab





Good Bye Texas, Hello Washington!

Hi y'all, well we finally made it to Washington!  The drive was beautiful, and vacation was fabulous!  We spent time in Huntington Beach visiting my sister in law and her fiance, went to Disneyland, headed up and spent time with my nieces and nephews in Manteca, visited with old friends, and then headed up to Redding to spend time with my in-laws.   I do have to say that I have still been losing weight since we have been on vacation and traveling. I haven't gained any and proud to say I have lost 71.2 pounds.  It has been hard and taken a lot of mental rehearsing and compromise as far as food is concerned, but I am now only 20 pounds from goal!

Washington is certainly beautiful, and while it is beautiful it is dredging up old feelings of Germany.   Between the rain and the beauty of the trees it is stirring up feelings from just last year and our fight to get Zechariah back to the US.  I certainly don't want to forget Zechariah or pretend he was never with us, I just don't want to be that girl who's son died.  That is who I was in Texas, and I don't want that for my time here in Washington.  I want to be the girl who is being healed, restored, and living life to the fullest.

As I sit and write this I am feeling a bit anxious about our future.  We found out Derek will most likely go to Afghanistan in March (if you are reading this and are on my Facebook, please don't post any of this we are not ready to tell Derek's parents), and we still don't have housing.  Not having housing is not what is stressing me out it is the finances that have me stressed.  I don't want to go financially in the hole for this move, Derek and I pretty much live on the if you charge it pay it right away motto, but I just keep going where is the money for all this coming from!  I also have to keep my mind off of this deployment.  I already lost part of my heart this year when Zechariah died all I can think about is what happens if something happens to Derek.  I guess that brings me to church yesterday.  On Saturday, Derek and I took to google to find Foursquare church's in Tacoma.  We attended a Foursquare church in Manteca, CA, as well as an Assembly of God church, both are pretty much the same in beliefs, the difference is how each denomination appoints their pastors.  Anyways so we found the church Puget Sound Christian Center.  It was fabulous friends.  The minute we walked in there was a wonderful guy named Steve who gave us a tour, and when we had Faith all checked in to kids church we headed over to the sanctuary for worship.  While we were worshiping a guy came up to us shook our hands and started talking to us, low and behold this young nice guy was the pastor.  When worship was nearly done he went and started talking about how he felt someone was struggling with fear, if it maybe about upcoming deployments, finances, and what the future holds, and needed to know that God wanted to take those fears and wants our complete and utter surrender.  Those words spoke truly to my heart.  The sermon was on surrender, and boy did I need to hear it.  After the service was over we ran into the pastor again and he said, those words were for you.  We never told him Derek would most likely be deployed, it was Jesus, speaking to us through this man who was willing to be Jesus' mouth piece.

So today, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I will surrender it to my Savior, and pray that I can make it through all this unscathed!

Total Overhaul

As our time in Texas draws near, I find myself cleaning, and by cleaning I mean a total over haul and by over haul I mean throwing stuff in the trash left and right.  I also found myself looking at myself and my life, I have to say my emotional well being for sure has needed a complete overhaul! I think I have expected a lot of myself over the nearly 9 months since Zechariah has died.  Life has been hard, I have had little time to grieve between taking care of Faith and life having to move on, however, I have made progress.  This week I have sat and told myself that I am blessed.  I have had to opportunity to have children, to carry them within me, to experience pregnancy, to love them and care for them.  I have friends that want children desperately and have never been blessed the way I have.  So I have chosen to chose joy instead of grief, peace instead of discontentment.  Unfortunately when  we moved here we were known as the family that has the sick baby, now we are know as the one who's baby died...Well, good news is God's grace is new every morning and we are given the opportunity to move and start life fresh...From now on I hope to be known as Tabatha, not the girl who's baby died, nothing else nothing less, just me.

On a different note, I had this crazy internal battle going on this weekend.  If you have never been fat or struggled with your weight you can't really understand, but sometimes food just consumes those of us who are struggling to loose the extra weight!  For whatever reason this weekend all I could think about was Doritos, sitting down watching a movie and opening a bag of regular (not baked) Doritos and eating them without measuring them. My will won out eventually!  However, sometimes, on the road to health it is just plain hard to get in the groove and stay there.  So friends, if the Doritos are calling your name, lace up those shoes and go run, bike, swim, do whatever you have to do to dodge those thoughts left and right, the new smaller you will thank you!

Conflicted

Lately I have felt conflicted...I wonder if I will ever be as satisfied as I feel when I am in California?  Will I ever not feel all alone when surround by a million people?  Will the void in my heart ever be filled now that Zechariah is gone?  Will I ever be able to answer someone who asks me how many kids I have without stammering or feeling sick to my stomach?  Will my husband and I find a way to find peace separately but also together?  The truth is I am not sure.  I don't know the answers, but right now I know my heart feels so sad.  I kind of feel like I am all alone, like I don't fit in.  I feel like damaged goods.  I guess that is what death and heart ache do to you...leave you lonely.

I guess apart of this journey is to continue to find myself.  Find where I belong, find what drives me, find a place where I feel wholly excepted.  I have not felt truly and utterly excepted since I left my home in Manteca, CA.  The comfort of Audra who is my best friend but more like a sister, and my dear sister Tam.  I miss them dearly, two of the only people who I know I can pour my hurt and broken heart out too and never worry about judgement or ridicule, but know a kind and tender word is there waiting for me.  I guess part of my process is to find out who I am outside of them.  Life has changed for me, and I need to re-discover who I am, what my new dreams are, and how I am going to take my tragic loss and turn it into some rock star story of God's healing and the journey.

Life has changed in the 7 months 3 weeks and 2 days since my Zechariah went to heaven...but I still have to believe God is good.  I have to believe that there is amazing plan that God has for healing and a new path that He has in store for me.  I have to believe in me and believe that I am worthy of a life full of joy and happiness.  So here's to today, tomorrow, next week, next month and the following years to come on this long, long journey, because I am worth it!

Really...Who does that???

Yesterday was like every other Tuesday, I woke up at 5:15 am and went to my spin class and headed home to start dinner in the crock pot.  Yesterday I was unusually tired so I had a bit of a lazy day.  Last night I ran to Wal-Mart to return a movie we rented and to get Derek some more Weight Watchers ice cream.  On my way home I was completely oblivious to the fact that one of the soldiers in Derek's unit spotted me and he was with his baby's mama who is also a soldier.  They proceeded to follow me home, little did I know they were following me home to show off their new baby.  Really?  You are gonna follow home a mother who lost her child nearly 8 months ago and show off your newborn???  I went in the house and hid  until they left and left Derek to deal with them.  I know it was probably wasn't the nicest or politest way to deal with that, but my heart just couldn't take it and I didn't want them to be victims of my word vomit because who knows what would come out of my mouth at this point.  I know it has been nearly 8 months and I'm dealing with each day a little better, but the kicker is, this girl didn't even want her baby, she never intended to get pregnant.  I wanted my son, he was planned and longed for, I feel sick that a woman who didn't want their child is beaming and bragging, and yet I who wanted my son very much and fought for him as every mother should, and I am left to pick up the pieces of my life.  I guess I should say common sense isn't all that common, if they had any common sense they would not have followed me home.

Good news I didn't eat my feelings last night, I processed the reasons I was angry and today I am moving on.  Today God is still good and I get to start afresh and ask Jesus to guide my day today. 

On a happier note this week I lost 0.2 pounds and I have lost a grand total of 54.6 pounds.  I know I am not on some weight loss show and I don't have a personal trainer to help me lose weight left and right, but slow and steady wins the race.  I am eating real food, finding new ways to manage my stress and getting excited about what the future holds for me!!!