Undone

Have you ever thought, "Where did the last few years go?"  That is where I am right now.  I don't know where the last 3 years have gone.  It seems like it has been so long since we moved to Germany, found out I was pregnant with Zechariah, moved to Texas to fight Zech's Congenital Heart Disease, lost myself in the process, only to find myself a few years later completely changed.  If someone would have given me the story of my life up to this point I would have called them a liar.  I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined in my lifetime that my family would have lived through the hardest season of our lives; better yet actually survived it!  I realized just this week that my life has totally come undone.  I have also realized that if my life hadn't come undone, I wouldn't have let Jesus meet me exactly where I (was) am at.   I have been thinking on a song called, "Here in Your Presence."  I have been really thinking on the chorus:

Here in Your presence, we are undone

Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one

Here in Your presence, all things are new

Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Isn't that the truth, in the presence of Jesus we are undone.  Thinking about my life up to this point I have either, a) truly come undone in the presence of Jesus, or, b) pushed Jesus away and done everything all myself.  I have been thinking on how to move forward this year and let 2012 be better than the last 2 1/2 years.  The bridge to this song has been just as thought provoking for me.

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

What if we believe that Jesus is as good as His word says?  What if we believed that he was wonderful, beautiful, glorious, and matchless?  If I believed this more often would life be easier?  What if I believe that all things are possible with God?  What if I believe that there is a joyous passionate life after such heartache?  If I believed all these things life would be TRANSFORMED!  Today I am going to let my life continue to be TRANSFORMED!

People Pleaser, Yes I am Indeed

This last year has been a year of inner self reflection, self growth and time to step aside and look at my life up to August 1, 2010.  It has been a really lonely year to be honest.  I have only one person in my life that knows how I feel besides Derek, and I am pretty sure she can attest to how lonely of a place that life is after the death of our precious children!  People walk on egg shells around you, try to pretend like life never happened, all the while you are just trying to hold the pieces of your together.  Trying to find joy in the little things, for me remembering that my precious Faith deserves my best too! 

I have always been a people pleaser, I think pretty much since I was born.  I have always had a hard time telling no, so even as my life had been falling apart I found myself trying to make everyone around me happy in the midst of all my pain.  While some of this is good, Faith deserves happiness, she went through the tough times with us, some of this stuff could have waited or I have said no!  I guess it is that inner part of me that strives to be perfect; striving to have the perfect house that is always clean and tidy, trying to be the perfect wife, to be a great cook, to just please everyone.  I just want everyone to be happy.  I love making everyone happy.  I love making everyone laugh.  I love throwing parties.  I love hunting for gifts for the people I love just so I can see the joy on their face. I have realized though that has been my down fall, I spent so much of my life making others happy, and dodging my true feelings and letting people walk all over me verbally that I have neglected myself. The fact is that no is perfect, not even ME!  Shocking I know!!!!   I have been stepping back these last 6 months and just been saying no.  No it is not okay to guilt me. No life is not okay, but it will be.  No I am not going to fake that life is full of roses and sunshine anymore, but I will admit life is hard, but there is always a silver lining, and God is always waiting for me to give over control to HIM! 

In my adventure to self discovery and healing I have come to realize it is okay to say no to people.  It is okay to say no to food and stop using it as a means to soothe myself.  It is also okay to tell people who are being hurtful that it is not okay, and let them know I am going to grieve and live in my own way. 

I am now in a place where I can start to say yes again.  Today at church our pastor was speaking on vision and what the next year for our church will look like.  At one point, I swear it was like he was looking at me and said, "As you serve God gets blood flowing to the most hurt places within us."  I am ready to start serving, and volunteering my time and using my gifts and talents.  However, I do realize there is a difference between serving and volunteering my time and going back to the place where all I do is people please.  I am ready to start living life to the fullest again!

Speaking of living my life to the fullest...On November 4, 2011 I get the opportunity to take my life back.  I am getting a medically indicated Panniculectomy Surgery.  This is basically a fancy way of saying that I get to have the excess skin, or as the doctors call it, "panel" or "apron" removed from the bottom part of my stomach.  I am also having a scar revision so I get to have the more extensive Panniculectomy, so I will have a nice flat tummy!  I am so excited to live life, and stop wasting my life away by pleasing others and start caring for myself.  This year has been about losing weight, finding myself, and working towards healing and true happiness.  Life is so worth living, I am glad I have decided to join the living again!  Seize the day friends, life is so good!

Food for thought from Pastor Lance today, "Could you imagine if you believed God was limitless, you would be afraid of NOTHING!"

I am diving in and going to chew of this food for thought!

Cheers, Tab

One year later...

So most of y'all know that it has been a year since; I lost my son Zechariah, lost myself, been struggling to find myself, struggling to hold myself together for Faith and my husband Derek, all the while living this crazy life as a military wife...BUT on Sept 2, in 2 short days I will have been on this crazy weight loss journey for one year!  I decided last year when we got home to Texas after going to California for Zechariah's funeral and some vacation time that it was my time change.  It was on September 2, 2010 that I had my ah ha moment.  I came to the realization that Zechariah couldn't control the condition of his heart and he couldn't control the fact that he had DiGeorge Syndrome, but I can control my heart, I can control my health so it was up to me to make a change.  When we came back to Texas I went back to my Weight Watchers meeting and I have been taking off the weight with WW and exercise of course.  I have found that I love spinning, who knew, my body has changed it has become slimmer and my legs and hiney are getting strong and slim, it feels so good to be living again and exercising and watching what I eat!  This weight loss journey has helped me take off 81 pounds to date!  Amazing what a year and a perspective change can bring!

Along with losing the weight I am about to lose part of myself literally!  I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and was referred to a surgeon to evaluate my stomach, the extra skin and the yucky panel I have left from having 2 c-sections and an emergency surgery.  I went to the surgeon thinking the surgery wouldn't be approved because it would be considered cosmetic, but no I was APPROVED!  So I have about 11 more pounds to lose then I can go for my follow up appointment and get my surgery scheduled.  I feel so very blessed.  I feel like this surgery is the icing on the cake to all the hard work I put in this year.

My Before, My best friend Audra and I before we both started our weight loss journey's.  I am on the right.  I was wearing a really tight 18 and an XL or XXL depending on the brand, here I weigh 247.

Me as off last week!  81 pounds lighter!  Wearig a size 10 pant and a medium shirt!  My weight in this picture is 166!

So friends if you are struggling with your weight, if you are looking to find yourself again.  Think about your ah ha moment and get started.  Make goals, track your progress, keep moving because moving forward is moving on!  My next goals are to lose the last 11 pounds, have my stomach reconstruction done, and get to my goal weight, once I am there I will be applying to work for Weight Watchers International as either a receptionist or leader, I also want to continue with my spin classes and eventually become a certified instructor, who knows where I will go next the whole world has opened up for me! 

Seize the day y'all because life is fabulous and worth living, so believe in yourself so you can change yourself!  Cheers, Tab





Amazing New Developments!

So life has taken a surprising turn for the better!  We found out yesterday that we were officially approved to leave San Antonio early, June 1st to be exact, but little did we know it would get better!  Derek came home and said "you might want to sit down for this one, we are leaving May 10th."  I was like sit down, I want to jump up and down!!!

San Antonio has been a God send.  Jesus knew exactly where we needed to be when we needed it.  From the doctors, to the people we have met we have been blessed!  To some people it may seem like we just want to pack up and leave but for the Reese family this move is bittersweet.  I speak for both Derek and I knowing we are both on the same page, we are so ready to move on and not have the constant reminder of how sad we have been for the last few months.  The grief that has rocked our family, not just the grief a of losing a child, but the grief of never being able to have another child, the grief of not really knowing how to move on.

The best way I know how to deal with it all is to say that moving gives us a clean slate.  Today I was reminded that we are given challenges so that we may choose to believe that God is still good, but in that same breath we are given the opportunity to doubt, and lately that has been where I am, doubtful.  I realize day by day, life is always going to have struggles, and we have choices how we will deal with it.  Right now I chose to move on, continue to lay my doubts, my heart, my pain at the feet of Jesus.  Moving away from San Antonio won't make it better, but it is another step in putting the sadness of the last year to rest.

I heard this on K-Love the other day and it was the perfect description of what we have been going through the last few months.  Have a wonderful day friends, enjoy every moment, you never know what the future holds.

Exciting News...and Weigh In Day!

Hi y'all, so I am sorry I have been lazy on blogging the last few weeks.  It seems I have been going through these seasons since Zech passed where I do great for a few weeks, then I get into a funk, but I decided today is the day, I have a few exciting things on the horizon to share with you!!!!!!

First off today was weigh in day, so I forced myself to get my hiney out of my nice comfortable bed and head to my most favorite Weight Watcher meeting.  Last week I had a 1 pound gain and I am pretty sure it was water retention since I had stayed on plan all week so I knew this week had to be better...and it WAS better!  I lost 3.8 this week making my grand total losed 59.6, only 0.4 away from hitting the 60 pound mark.  You know what else is exciting I am in the 180's now!!!!!!! I haven't been in the 180's since before college!!!  So exciting things are happening my oh my!

Also good news on the home front, Derek was told that we will be able to leave on June 1st, so we are just waiting for him to get his orders and Derek will start clearing Fort Sam Houston on May 18th.  I am so excited it is killing me, I can't wait to leave here, there are reminders of Zechariah all around here, and not that I don't want to remember, I just want to be able to have a repreve from the hurt of it all!

There are a few fun things happening in April and through May so hopefully it will make the time go by faster.  Tomorrow we are heading over to the main post to celebrate Fiesta, I am excited to enjoy this time, and then May 1st, the hospital Zech was in while here in Texas is having a remembrance service for all the families who lost the children last year, so we are looking at it as a way of finding a little more closure before we leave. 

So friends brighter things are yet to come this summer and on into the fall, the Grand Canyon, Disneyland, visits with family all await us this summer and a new place to call home is just around the corner!  I can't wait for the fall, I am believing that the fall will blow great things in our direction, just as the leaves change and the wind picks up, the fall winds will blow new and better things into our lives...

Conflicted

Lately I have felt conflicted...I wonder if I will ever be as satisfied as I feel when I am in California?  Will I ever not feel all alone when surround by a million people?  Will the void in my heart ever be filled now that Zechariah is gone?  Will I ever be able to answer someone who asks me how many kids I have without stammering or feeling sick to my stomach?  Will my husband and I find a way to find peace separately but also together?  The truth is I am not sure.  I don't know the answers, but right now I know my heart feels so sad.  I kind of feel like I am all alone, like I don't fit in.  I feel like damaged goods.  I guess that is what death and heart ache do to you...leave you lonely.

I guess apart of this journey is to continue to find myself.  Find where I belong, find what drives me, find a place where I feel wholly excepted.  I have not felt truly and utterly excepted since I left my home in Manteca, CA.  The comfort of Audra who is my best friend but more like a sister, and my dear sister Tam.  I miss them dearly, two of the only people who I know I can pour my hurt and broken heart out too and never worry about judgement or ridicule, but know a kind and tender word is there waiting for me.  I guess part of my process is to find out who I am outside of them.  Life has changed for me, and I need to re-discover who I am, what my new dreams are, and how I am going to take my tragic loss and turn it into some rock star story of God's healing and the journey.

Life has changed in the 7 months 3 weeks and 2 days since my Zechariah went to heaven...but I still have to believe God is good.  I have to believe that there is amazing plan that God has for healing and a new path that He has in store for me.  I have to believe in me and believe that I am worthy of a life full of joy and happiness.  So here's to today, tomorrow, next week, next month and the following years to come on this long, long journey, because I am worth it!