So last Sunday Derek and I went to our first grief share class and there has been a phrase that has been sticking with me all week. This class is made up of a group meeting which also has a video that accompanies it, at one point a lady of the video said that sometimes you have to "lean into grief." I didn't really understand what that meant...until Monday in the middle of a grueling spin class. For my friends who are not avid spinners or you haven't taken a spin class, spin classes are simply indoor aerobic cycling, it is made to simulate hills and flat roads as if you were really riding out side. With that being said when you are in class there is a point when you are sprinting on the bike, or you have so much gear (added weight) that all you can do is put your head down and lean into the handle bars and push down either as fast as you can while you are sprinting if that is what you are doing or just keep pushing the heavy heavy pedals down as if you are climbing a hill. I came to realize while I was "leaning into" my spin bike that grief is the same way, you have to lean into the pedals or the bike and at some point you get to let up on the sprinting or eventually take the gear off and it gets easier. The more you train the easier it gets. The more you "lean into grief" and allow grief to take its course the easier it gets. Chance encounters get easier, birthdays, death dates, and holidays get a little easier. Sometimes we just have to lean into it!
Blessings, Tab
All right friends this girl has good news!! Today I went to Old Navy to buy some smaller lounge pants for when I have my stomach surgery in exactly 44 days from today! There was an amazing deal one pair was on sale for $12.50 and the other pair was $10, but the deal was buy one at full price (even if it is on sale) and get the second for 75% off! So, my pair that was $10 was only $2.50! I know you all may not want to know about my stellar deal, but there was also another amazing NSV (non scale victory) for me, I tried on a pair of size 8 jeans and they FIT! They were a little snug, but not uncomfortable and after my stomach is done it will be fabulous and I will be looking fierce.
Tomorrow is my official weigh in day. I have put in the hard work this week, spin class MWF and meeting my goal that I had placed for myself this week which was to do my arm toning exercises 3 times this week! NSV all around this week!!!! I am hoping the scale will greet me with a 163 and show all the hard work I put in this week! If the scale is 163 which is what it said today (my unofficial weigh in) that would make for 84 pounds lost! Can you believe it I have lost approximately 2 and a half toddlers off my body, or 16 bags of 5 pound potatoes, or roughly 10 gallons of milk!
You can do it friends, you can reach your goals if you set your mind to it! Make a list of things you would like to accomplish and how you will achieve them and start making your dreams come true!!! Life is a beautiful gift and you deserve your best so get to it friends!!!!
Lately I have been struggling. Not only emotionally but weight wise. These last ten pounds have been the hardest to loose. I don't know if it is a mental struggle or if it is just that I am pretty much at the weight I am supposed to be. Yesterday I had a slip up, I totally ate my feelings, but good news is I reigned them in before it got too out of hand and tracked every last point I ate. However, I have been exercising like a maniac, and have indeed seen my body changing, my legs becoming so slim and my arms toning up, but my weight has pretty much been stable anywhere between 165-169. Either way I am calling the general surgeon tomorrow to schedule my follow up and get the balls rolling for my stomach reconstruction. I know I haven't been losing tons as of lately but I have losing inches thanks to my MWF spin instructors.
Today has been a hard day, it was so hard for me to go to bed last night, the thought of being left alone with my own thoughts scares me, so today I have been dragging, and just trying to make it to bedtime. Derek is gone for training, and I am quite frankly having a bit of a pity party. Disclaimer, I am not normally so very blunt but right now I need to be. If you have never held your child in your arms when they are born and then had to advocate for their lives in a foreign country only to almost watch your child die in said foreign country, finally to make it to America, only to have your child die in your arms because you had to make the decision to turn off the ventilators, and then try to piece your life back together, you don't know how I feel. I am a super patient person and I am so good at letting things roll off my back, and usually can always find a silver lining in anything, however, I have been so hurt lately by people telling me how I should feel or making me feel bad for how I feel. It is not wrong for me to feel sad that I can't start over here in Washington with out the constant reminder of what I lost in Texas. I get it that the family from Fort Sam whose child has CHD like Zech is probably really nice, and so happy to have their child, but I am hurting. I am heart broken. I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel mad at God at times. I feel ALONE. However, until yesterday I felt hopeful. Felt like I have been able to give my resentment, anger, and bitterness to God. Until yesterday I was on the mend. Does this reminder of my son who left me way to soon stop my healing. The short answer is NO. The long answer is that God is big. He is bigger than my feelings. He is big enough to take my anger, resentment, and bitterness. He is big enough to deal with my anxiety over this constant reminder of my loss. In some way shape or form this is shaping me and shaping my future, and somehow this is apart of my healing process.
This video depicts the story of the song How He Loves, by Mark McMillian, and how it came out of a deep pain and the loss of Mark's friend. I listened to this after a friend sent me the link shortly after Zech died, and it was like reading my diary and expressed my feelings like no one else could. This song is bittersweet for me, we sang this song at Zech's funeral, but it also has given hope.
So, today I choose hope. I keep reminding myself that there is always someone who has it worse than I do...but God is bigger than my emotions and pity parties. Life is for the living and worth living to the fullest!
Yesterday was like every other Tuesday, I woke up at 5:15 am and went to my spin class and headed home to start dinner in the crock pot. Yesterday I was unusually tired so I had a bit of a lazy day. Last night I ran to Wal-Mart to return a movie we rented and to get Derek some more Weight Watchers ice cream. On my way home I was completely oblivious to the fact that one of the soldiers in Derek's unit spotted me and he was with his baby's mama who is also a soldier. They proceeded to follow me home, little did I know they were following me home to show off their new baby. Really? You are gonna follow home a mother who lost her child nearly 8 months ago and show off your newborn??? I went in the house and hid until they left and left Derek to deal with them. I know it was probably wasn't the nicest or politest way to deal with that, but my heart just couldn't take it and I didn't want them to be victims of my word vomit because who knows what would come out of my mouth at this point. I know it has been nearly 8 months and I'm dealing with each day a little better, but the kicker is, this girl didn't even want her baby, she never intended to get pregnant. I wanted my son, he was planned and longed for, I feel sick that a woman who didn't want their child is beaming and bragging, and yet I who wanted my son very much and fought for him as every mother should, and I am left to pick up the pieces of my life. I guess I should say common sense isn't all that common, if they had any common sense they would not have followed me home.
Good news I didn't eat my feelings last night, I processed the reasons I was angry and today I am moving on. Today God is still good and I get to start afresh and ask Jesus to guide my day today.
On a happier note this week I lost 0.2 pounds and I have lost a grand total of 54.6 pounds. I know I am not on some weight loss show and I don't have a personal trainer to help me lose weight left and right, but slow and steady wins the race. I am eating real food, finding new ways to manage my stress and getting excited about what the future holds for me!!!
This weekend has been a busy but very fulfilling day. Saturday morning I woke up and took Miss Faith with me to my Weight Watchers meeting. I have to say the scale was my friend again today, after last weeks disappointing gain, I am happy to say I lost 1.4 this week and I have lost a total of 54.4 pounds!!! Can you say Wahooooo!!! This weeks topic has been about celebrating your success' and I have had to a few this week! I made it to 2 spin class this week and began fitting exercise back into my routine, I have rode my new bike which I love, it was an anniversary present from Derek and I have also worked out at home. I have also just felt altogether better this week.
After Weight Watchers we headed out for Faith's ballet class which she enjoys a ton. Then came home for lunch and nap time. While Faith rested in her room, Derek went to the garage and assembled Faith's bike trailer, the trailer was a present from Derek's parents for his birthday. We rode our bikes to the park on the main post and then biked to the store and we all got ice cream. We then biked home and we BBQ'd for dinner. We were going to take Faith to a movie on Saturday evening but with her early morning and our running around all day, she was exhausted and begged for bed.
This weekend was fabulous, I love that we are finding more ways to incorporate exercise into our lives in things that are fun and enjoyable for the whole family!
