Spring Refreshing

So dear friends, I am back.  I have been going through the hardest season of my entire life thus far.  My crazy way of dealing with hard things is to keep to myself.  Kinda the whole, "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all."  I didn't have really anything bad to say but more or less a lot of complaining, and nobody wants a Debbie Downer in the bunch.

It has taken awhile for God to really strip the layers of my onion back to reveal my true feelings about Zechariah's death.  It has truly been a heart wrenching season.  I have really realized though that I have been doing everything in my strength.  I have been running from God.  I basically have been acting like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum.  We have been in a stand off.  What I should really say is I have been in a stand off.  I have felt so much hurt, disappointment, anger, resentment, and bitterness.  I have let it rule my thought life, spiritual life, physical life, basically everything.  I have let stress affect my life so much that physically my body has taken a beating.

The last few weeks have been eye opening for me.  God has really spoken to me through his word for the first time in a long time. The first scripture that really spoke to me from last nights reading.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

I have not come to God recently for rest.  I have not given Him my burdens.  I have not taken on His yoke and learned from Him.  Nope I have not done any of those things.  I have held onto my hurt, my resentment, and especially my anger.  The second verse that really spoke to me this morning went along with what I had been thinking on all weekend.

"Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit.  You brood of vipers, how can you say anything good?  For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.  A man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.  Matthew 12:33-35

Saturday we went to Mount St Helens.  As you drive up to the farthest point in which you can drive we began to find snow still up at the top.  I saw dry brushes coming up out of the snow but I also saw new growth.  This has been the driest most difficult "winter" season of my life.  However, I have been reminded that after dark depressing rough winters spring always comes.  I have been thinking on my "fruit" and what the out pouring of my heart has been speaking.  My heart has certainly not been speaking well of life as of lately. I want to bring out good things that are stored in me not evil.  So where do I go from here?  For now, I dig back into God's word and I wait. I begin claiming God's promises over my life again each and everyday.  I believe that God has his best in store for me!   I wait anticipating a new season to come.  I am waiting for life to flourish again!  I chose rest, peace, joy, and surrender, all these things after all are choices.

Wedding, Family, and Fun Oh My!

Hi friends!  It has been awhile since I have blogged and boy I need this catch up session.  A week and a half ago Derek, Faith and I went to California!  It was surprisingly a great time.  Derek's sister Jenny got married.  It was a beautiful wedding and the whole entire Reese family danced the night away.  Our little Faithie was the hit of the wedding.  Everyone commented on how well behaved she was (which of course stroked this Mama's ego) and what a joy she was to have around!  Derek and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary while we were there!  We had the opportunity to go to a fancy restaurant called Zin in Westlake Village.  Derek's Uncle Larry was too cute, he taxied us across the lake to the restaurant on his boat and then taxied us back.  We had a delicious dinner, complete with calamari, Cesar salad made table side, cocktails, and Bananas Flambe for dessert!  As a family we just absolutely enjoyed ourselves.  It was so nice to catch up with family, some we haven't seen in 5 years.  We hung out played bocce ball, enjoyed the weather, and celebrated our wedding anniversary, and celebrated Jenny and Gilbert's beginning to their marriage!

Now I am back to my daily grind!  Back to the rain and the cold.  However, I think a week with a little sun gave me a little boost to change up my perspective a  bit, since I have after all been in a bit of a funk!  More to come on my perspective change, keep reading!  Love y'all!

Flourishing

The last few weeks have been so very hard for me.  I have struggled for 2 weeks with my emotions and choosing to eat my feelings.  I feel frustrated with myself when I allow myself to go down that path because I have worked so hard and that is certainly not a way to honor my dear Zechariah.  I have a choice with my health, but I been so torn with my life lately I haven't cared.  Don't get me wrong I haven't let myself stray too much, but enough to make me want to kick myself.  Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time.  Faith and I were in the car, we were on the way to the store to exchange her shoes before our gym time.  Out of the blue Faith says, "Mommy I want Zechariah to have a dinosaur party like the dinosaur from Toy Story."  We continued to talk and we both agreed that we miss Zechariah, I went on to tell her that she was such a good big sister.  We sat quietly for a moment and before I knew it a song came on the radio that took me back in an instant to Zechariah's memorial service and as I was drove down the highway I turned up the radio and quietly sobbed to myself.  I cried for Faith, for Derek, for myself, and for a life that was and will never be.

I have really struggled with putting my life back together.  I naively thought that when we moved here that this would be our new beginning and it was going to be all sunshine and roses.  It sure hasn't.  I have struggled with making new friends in Washington.  I have found myself wanting to isolate myself to the Army base and just do my weekly everyday things, take Faith to school, swimming, ballet, gym repeat.  I have struggled making friends at church, which is unusual for me since I usually make friends quite easily.   I have struggled with my faith.  I just don't understand sometimes why God's words says that His plans are not to harm us but to bring us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11), but for my family our lives have been left in shambles and I don't see the pieces getting put back together anytime soon.

I feel broken and somewhat defeated.  However, I am choosing to believe that life has more for me.  I am choosing to know that this is just a season and just like after a hard winter comes spring and with spring things begin to flourish again.  I am believing for a life that FLOURISHES again.

Undone

Have you ever thought, "Where did the last few years go?"  That is where I am right now.  I don't know where the last 3 years have gone.  It seems like it has been so long since we moved to Germany, found out I was pregnant with Zechariah, moved to Texas to fight Zech's Congenital Heart Disease, lost myself in the process, only to find myself a few years later completely changed.  If someone would have given me the story of my life up to this point I would have called them a liar.  I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined in my lifetime that my family would have lived through the hardest season of our lives; better yet actually survived it!  I realized just this week that my life has totally come undone.  I have also realized that if my life hadn't come undone, I wouldn't have let Jesus meet me exactly where I (was) am at.   I have been thinking on a song called, "Here in Your Presence."  I have been really thinking on the chorus:

Here in Your presence, we are undone

Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one

Here in Your presence, all things are new

Here in Your presence, everything bows before You

Isn't that the truth, in the presence of Jesus we are undone.  Thinking about my life up to this point I have either, a) truly come undone in the presence of Jesus, or, b) pushed Jesus away and done everything all myself.  I have been thinking on how to move forward this year and let 2012 be better than the last 2 1/2 years.  The bridge to this song has been just as thought provoking for me.

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

Wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in every way

What if we believe that Jesus is as good as His word says?  What if we believed that he was wonderful, beautiful, glorious, and matchless?  If I believed this more often would life be easier?  What if I believe that all things are possible with God?  What if I believe that there is a joyous passionate life after such heartache?  If I believed all these things life would be TRANSFORMED!  Today I am going to let my life continue to be TRANSFORMED!

"Holy Cow!"

"Holy Cow!"  Those were the first words out of my four year old Faith's mouth this morning when her eyes fell upon the snowfall that accumulated overnight.  School has been canceled, work has been cancelled (after Derek was required to report), so what do we do?  We make cake and eat it too!  I guess I should say I made blueberry streusel for my family and they ate it too!

"Holy Cow!"  The blanket of snow we woke up to this morning!

Blueberry Streusel for my loves!

Faithie enjoying her blueberry streusel!

My egg white scramble and apple cinnamon oatmeal.  Not as exciting as streusel but still delicious!

Next up on our agenda, a sweet guilt free treat!

As I sit here watching the snow continue to fall it makes life feel so peaceful, if just for this very moment.  However, I am then reminded that for snow to fall you need a storm.  This crazy snow storm has been such a good reminder to me that storms can bring peace, if only we choose peace!  Peace is just a prayer away.  Today my friends, I choose peace and joy!

Cheers, Tab

4 Years Ago...

4 years ago I gave birth to my sweet daughter Faith.  4 years ago today I traded my title as solely a wife for the titles of wife and mother!  As my sweet girl naps I have been sitting back reflecting on how many things have changed in the last 4 years, and how many things I have traded in.

So, in no particular order, here goes my list...I know most people know how hard life has been for us these last few years. The last few months, I have been daily trading my sorrow for the joy that comes in the morning.   I have been trading my role as solely a mother for one of a mother and advocate for my children.  I have been trading my grief for a new life with a new meaning.  I have traded unhealthy eating habits for healthy eating habits with the help of Weight Watchers.  I traded my regular workout shoes for spin shoes.  I traded my raggedy gym clothes for nice form fitting ones that I make me feel HOT!  However, most recently I have traded my "squishy" stomach (in the words of Faith) in for a flat stomach!  

I decided for the purpose of continuing to live my truth this year that I would be vulnerable and share with you all the fabulous trade I made with my stomach!

There it is, my "squishy" stomach all marked up for the surgeons!  Getting ready to trade my extra skin for a flat tummy!

Drum roll please.... DA DA DA!  Here is my flat tummy! I traded in a few old scares for a few new ones on my new flat tummy!

Life is all about compromises and trades.  We trade one thing for the next, some trades are fabulous and some not so much.  However, as I sit here reflecting on my trades and compromises the last 4 years I smile because I wouldn't trade all the love, joy, heartache, and lessons that I have learned these last few years.  I don't know what your trades are but just remember friends, with every trade you make God is still good and He is willing to walk along side of you and all the crazy trades that life has to dish out!

Cheers, Tab

Feeling Lonely

Right now I am so lonely...I miss California.  I am going through some really hard things right now and I feel so alone.  I know I have support from my friends and family, but life is just getting to me.  I feel as if I have to hold it all together for my family.  I have support back home in California, but here is Washington, I only have one true friend I could call up and she would be here in a heartbeat, and of course she is on vacation.  I have made some friends from a ladies fellowship group I am in from church.  However, I feel like the odd ball out, all the other ladies in the group are in ministry with their husbands, they can relate to one another.  They're having babies, and while I am happy for them my heart hurts.  A few comments have been made to me along the lines of, "well be grateful you have a girl, boys are so messy."  Or my personal favorite, "just wait until you have a boy."  With each comment my heart breaks a little more.  I feel like, who can relate to a 30 year old who has been married for almost 5 years and has had 2 children, a girl and a boy, one of which has passed away.  My whole identity has changed.  Truly my whole life.  It is weird, I am not in ministry, I am not a typical Army wife, I am not a typical mother, and I just don't know where I fit in anymore...If I could pin point it I would say it is 2 different feelings, one being the feeling of being unloved and unappreciated.  I know that I am not either of those things, but sometimes it is just nice to hear it once and awhile, you know.  The other being that of trying to fit in the world again after such sadness and defeat the last year and a half.

Okay, enough whining, I am going to count my blessings.  First, I have wonderful friends and family back home and even though we go through periods of not talking because of busy schedules and life getting in the way I know I can pick up the phone and call and they would listen and care for me.  I have a wonderful friend Audra, she is more like family than a friend.  I am so blessed by her, she blessed me and came to Washington to help me after I had my surgery.  She left her 4 children, husband, and life that she has in California to come and take care of me.  She has truly taught me what a servants heart is and I pray someday I can be as much of a blessing to her as she has been to me.  Secondly, moving often has given me the opportunity to met wonderful people, I am so blessed to have my friend Chelsea, I don't think she knows this but I treasure her.  She is a wonderfully prayerful friend and her cards that pop up in my mailbox all the way from Germany always encourage me just when I need it. Last but not least, I have a wonderful daughter and husband.  Derek and I have been through hell and back these last 2 years.  It is truly by God's grace that we are still married, at times I felt like our relationship was just falling apart at the seams.  I praise God that we are still married, there is an 80% divorce rate among married couples who lose children.  Our marriage is not perfect but worth fighting for and I want to get back to the place were we can remember the reasons we fell in love instead of just surviving each day and suffering separately as we deal with our sadness of losing our dear Zechariah.  My dear wonderful Faith, I am so blessed to call her my daughter.  She is so full of life and I know that someday she is going to set this world on fire.  She brings me such joy, and I am so touched by her kind heart and loving spirit.

Be blessed my friends...This is my truth, this is where I am at.  I hope this year we can all be more open to living our truth unashamedly.

Cheers, Tab