5 AM Workouts Starting Tomorrow!

So I am letting all my friends out there know that I need more accountability when it comes to my excercise routine.  So tomorrow I am dragging my hiney out of bed and getting it  moving at 5 AM, why 5 AM you ask?  Because if I work out later in the morning I have to take care of my dear little Faithie girl and then getting in the shower, almost impossible unless I put her in her room (which I did find her climbing the baby gate last week, which nearly gave me a heart attack!), and then if I don't exercise early I don't get my devotional time in and it kind of makes the rest of my day just thrown off.

So there it is blogging world, tomorrow, 5 AM, dear Jesus, help me!  Feel free to ask me if I worked out!

The Scale Was Not My Friend Today

So today I woke up at what seemed like way to early this morning and headed to my Weight Watcher meeting.  I thought for sure I would have lost at least 1 pound but that simply wasn't the case.  I was really disappointed and kinda felt bad for myself for just a minute.  I reflected on the week and realized I had changed somethings up this week.  I added strength training and I moved more this week.  I had taken a break from exercising because I injured my knee and am starting my physical therapy on my knee this week.  It seems that anytime I take a break from exercising I loss a bit faster than when I am exercising but then when I go back to exercising I either gain or maintain for a few weeks.  At least I can acknowledge these things.  It does stink but life is a journey and so is weight loss.  On a positive note I did not eat my feelings about my lack of weight loss this week, usually that is my go to way of dealing with my feelings...eating, lots of eating.  Instead, I found a beautiful nature park about 30 miles from San Antonio and we spent the afternoon exploring the trails and enjoying the scenery. 

Faith and I at Cibolo Nature Trails (before I lost 53 pounds I would have had a really hard time squatting by that river and then getting up, not a problem any longer!)

So this week I forge on and do the best I can to keep myself motivated and hope that the scale will be my friend once again next Saturday.  So I will still remind myself that I have lost 53 pounds and counting. This is not the end, not the beginning, but the middle of this weight loss journey and the road that leads to success is a bumpy one; this girl is taking back her life and along for the long journey!

Manna

You know when you wake up and all you want to do is sleep, those days when all you want to do is roll over and hit the snooze button eight hundred times.  Today was one of those days.  However, I did not give into the voice inside my head that kept saying sleep the day away, I got up and started my morning routine with Miss Faith.  The amazing thing is, it is those mornings where Jesus meets you just where you are at.  I have been reading this devotional on grief.  It was written by a woman who had lost a daughter, it is a year long devotional based on finding hope in the midst of pain.  Today I decided to read the story behind the book, come to find out the author lost not only 1 child but 2, mind blowing, how can someone survive that, I wondered if life would ever be functional again with my heart left in shambles after the death of my Zechariah, but to lose 2 children, I can't even fathom.    Two things profound stuck out to me this morning.  The author was speaking of her deep pain to her sister-in-law who had lost her previous husband to a car accident only 2 weeks after marrying, she asked her sister-in-law how you do it, get past the pain, and her response was simply,  "Manna."  In Exodus we read about how God provided enough Manna for each day to sustain the Israelites while the wandered in the wilderness, and just as God provided Manna for the Israelites he will provide for me each day and sustain me.  The second thing was that was just what I needed today was verse that was the topic of today's devotional.  Lamentations 3: 13, 19-22:

He shot his arrow deep into my heart.  The thoughts of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words.  I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.  Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends!  By his Mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.

Yet I still dare to hope, that describes where I am now, I still dare to hope each day, God kept me from destruction, he has a plan and a path for me, and I will have hope because His unfailing love never ends.  I have also said day after day that my Jesus is still the same even if my heart hurts beyond measure.  In all honesty I was probably convincing myself of that until I believed it wholeheartedly, which it does now ring true in my heart of hearts.   So today, I reach for the Manna that will sustain me and even though I grieve my loss, I dare to hope!

Finding Peace and Moving On

Today was a bittersweet day.  It has been 7 months since my dear Zechariah went to be with Jesus.  Today also marks the 2 year anniversary of my best friend Audra's (who is more like a sister than a friend) sister Kathy going to be with Jesus.  So, today has been a day that in the past that I would have eaten my feelings instead of feeling them.  Instead I kept myself productive, washed the laundry, tidied the house, played with Faith outside, just flat out kept myself busy.  Over the weekend I re-decorated Zechariah's room.  It is now pretty and welcoming room, rather than a little boys room that once adorned animals all over the walls.  I also stored away the clothes we decided to keep the blankets and the few trinkets that really touched our hearts. Below is our spare room.  I can't wait for visitors to come and join us in our home.

These floral pictures inspired the rest of the room

The comfy bed that I hope makes visitors feel welcome

Faith posing in the spare room

Life's a long journey and this girl is taking her life back, her health back, and putting her plans at the foot of the cross.  One day at a time, that is all it takes.

Pulling Myself Up By My Bootstraps!

So, I have spent the better part of the month of February feeling sorry for myself.  I have decided as of the end of last week, I need to get back into my routine and get myself restructured again.  So the last few mornings I have peeled myself out of bed, opened the curtains, and got myself going!  Time to step up my game.  No more feeling sorry for myself.  Thankfully I have not eaten my feelings.  I am using the sage old advice, "facing my stuff instead of stuffing my face."

I have been thinking and I now realize that my decision to start back to Weight Watchers in September and to start taking care of myself has been a catalyst for my own well being.  Not only getting me physical healthier but mentally healthier as well.  Even though things have been hard, and more things propped up this month, I have decided I am worth it.  I am worth the effort and time it takes to pull myself out of my little depression and get up and get dressed in the morning.  I am worth the money spent on Weight Watchers.  I am worth taking the time to take care of myself first and be a little selfish for once.

So friends, I am taking the time to make my 30th year the best!  It is time for me to be fierce and fabulous!  I would like to say that my Saturday Weight Watchers meeting had me done 54 pounds!!  Wahooooo, only 46 more to go!!!  I totally got this!!!!!

That is me on the right before starting my weight loss journey again with Weight Watchers

This is me now, 5 months later and 54 pounds lighter and a whole lot happier!

Choosing Health

Lately, I have been struggling with my feelings.  I have made some conscious decisions to move forward, but Derek is still in what I like to call sweep it under the rug mode.  There has been a lot of things that have happened in my family since I came back from California, things that were discovered that are heart breaking, and I am trying to make peace with all of it but it is for sure a hard place to be when there is nobody who understands your situation.

I have made a resolution to not eat my feelings and I haven't.  I choose health for myself and that doesn't happen if I eat and get myself to a place of being even more overweight.  Zechariah may have not had a choice on the health of his heart, but I have a choice on the health of my heart and my body and how I treat it, I chose health for my body.  As of today I have lost 50.6 pounds and I keep choosing health.

Heart Broken

My heart is completley broken.  This last year I have done nothing but pick up the pieces of my broken heart.  I thought things were getting better but then another whammy hits me.  I don't know how much more my heart can take.  I am trying to find my way through the lies, the deciet and the broken heartedness.  I guess the solution is to find more time to keep giving it to God.  I am so sick and tired of people telling me what I should do, what I should say and how I should grieve or feel.  Life is full of suprises and why I welcome some of them others I wish I would have never discovered.

Tomorrow, I am sure my glass will look more full then empty but for now, I am taking some time to have a well deserved pity party.